That's the third such reply I have received. What's the point in being a researcher if such a bizarre disease doesn't excite you? I thank Richard for his response and take another look at the staff profiles to see if there's anyone who might be remotely interested.
Failing that, I lie down on my bed and masturbate to the thought of The Bug Lady exploring mouth with her probiscus.
A familiar, boisterous voice interrupts my thoughts.
I'm not sure it's him until I've stared for almost a minute. I would say 'How did I never notice how pretty his smile is, but I did notice it. He was on my mind more than I admitted. The guilt possesses me like a useless ghost. How could I have been so doe-eyed for someone who isn't her, even if I didn't know it at the time?
His laugh exorcises my worries.
Its reverberations are almost painfully loud. It reminds me that Denise has already discarded me. The people near me turn towards him in annoyance, roll their eyes, and then go back to talking about their weekend plans.
I like that he's loud. I like that he doesn't know how to make himself small and quiet.
Should I say hi? He probably won't recognise me; the last time he saw me I was in a school uniform and had the world's worst haircut. Now my hair is long and unkempt. Biweekly laser treatments have ablated unwanted facial hair. I'm rocking a black skirt, open black cardigan, and deep red shirt. I want to see the look on his face when he realises who I am.
James is already leaving the hall. I briskly walk after him, and say a little too loudly, "James!" If my tone were friendlier, I know it would have been fine, but I'm sure he'll notice how laced the word is with my urgency.
He turns around and blinks at me. "Hello?" he says.
I take a deep breath and walk up to him. "Do you remember me?"
The friend on his left, a freckled boy dressed in a checkered shirt, looks at me with a bemused expression. The friend on his right, a blonde girl adjusts the strap of her sports bag and regards me suspiciously.
James keeps on smiling even as he shakes his head. "No, I ... well, you do look a bit familiar but I don't. Sorry. Where did we meet?"
"Leek's Academy," I say.
Realisation dawns on him. He jolts when he finally realises. "Adam? Yes, you're Adam!" A wide grin forms across his face.
"Yes, but I go by Aster now," I tell him.
"Oh my god, it's been so long. Aster! Hug?" He opens his arms.
This development takes me aback, but I'm not one to relinquish the rare opportunity for physical touch so I smile. "Sure."
As we embrace, I realise that he can probably feel my heart racing and hope that he just puts it down to the exertion of chasing after him rather than what it really is: his chest is warm and solid, and I can't help but want to lie on it. Before I start blushing, and certainly before I overstay my welcome in his arms, I pull back.
"I literally didn't recognise you. You're ... so different! You look good, I love the earrings."
I smile at him and move my hair back to better show off the skull studs. "Thank you! I got them a few weeks ago."
The freckled friend whispers something to the blonde friend, then says, "We're going to head off soon. Are you coming?"
James turns to them. "Yes, just wait one second." It's only an instant that his attention is off me, but I nevertheless feel a familiar jealous twinge. When he faces me again, it recedes just as quickly. "I've got another class right now, but I'd love to catch up some time. We're doing pres at my place tonight. I'll message you."
"Talk later!" I say as he heads off to catch up with his friends who had already begun to slowly exit the building.
I take a deep breath and go to the toilets to apply a fresh coating of deodorant. I've actually been invited to something? I'm not such a recluse that I've been to no social events. I show up to about half of the math society socials, and I've had a glass of cider with my dorm mates once or twice, but this is different. I've not been invited as an individual to anything before this moment. I need to make a good impression.
I think James could be that person. At least until I unite with the Blossom and transcend humanity. I need to impress him. He liked the skulls, so I keep those in. I don't know if he's still with Cindy. A quick check of his Facebook informs me they're still friends, but neither has made a post in the last two years so it's possible they've broken up. His relationship status is hidden. Even if they haven't broken up, I don't know if James is queer enough to fuck a gender-apathetic thing like me.
Still, I like to hope.
He said to arrive for around seven. It's currently six thirty and I'm drying my nicest shirt, a dark short-sleeved thing with a Blossom-chan print, on my heater hoping it'll be good enough to wear. Every few minutes I take it off and flap it to cool it down again before returning it. I should have left five minutes ago, but I can still make it in time if I run. If I arrive too late, I'm certain he'll end up engaged in conversation with someone else, charming man that he is. If that happens, it's entirely possible that I'll not only end up blocked from speaking to him all night, but also anyone at all.
A knock at my door.
"Yeah?"
It's Kimblery. "Aster! We're just going out to Tesco. Do you need anything?"
Fuck. I've been so concerned about my outfit that I forgot to get any alcohol. I can't rightly show up and just mooch off everyone else. I'm almost desperate enough to accept Kimberly's offer but I realise she won't be back in time anyway.
"Thanks for asking, but I'm fine."
"'Kay," she says, and disappears.
My shirt is just about dry. I throw it on, check that I've got my keycard and wallet, and then head off.
James answers, grinning beautifully. He pulls me into a hug. Twice! It happened twice today! Would he be hugging me so freely if he had a partner? Well, maybe, but ... it's a good sign. "Ad- Aster!" he says. "Sorry, I just saw your texts and I was heading down. Come in, come in." He's blushing a little, probably already a bit drunk.
Inside everyone is playing a card game on the kitchen table. I recognise the sporty blonde girl and freckled guy from earlier. They look up at me and nod. Other than them, there's another two people. One is a guy with a soft, dark mullet. I cannot make out any other details because he is partially obscured by the blue haired person who is sitting on his lap.
That person adjusts the strap of their crop top and beams a smile at me. "Hello! Who might you be, gorgeous?"
The compliment rips the words out my mouth. This person is so pretty with their deep blue eyes and soft midriff that I have to make myself look towards the fridge-decorated in magnets spelling out C-U-M-T-before I end up leering at them.
Before I can answer, the James pulls out a seat for me. "We're playing Irish snap. Wanna join?"
"What's that?" I ask. As I sit down, I wonder if this is the appropriate time to bring out the Schnapps. Everyone else has a bottle of something already (sporty girl: cider, red haired guy and James: beer, seat and sitter: vodka) but they also have glasses. Since I just sat down, it would be weird to get up again, and there's no way I could burden James to get me a glass when the main reason I'm here is to get him to like me.
The pretty blue-haired person looks at me blankly for a moment. "You've never played?"
"Uh, no?" I know better than to reveal that I've not gone out with people since the first week I arrived. If they know I don't get out much they'll start to suspect I'm unlikeable and that's a self-fullfiling prohpecy.
James explains the simple rules. Essentially snap but violent. I'm glad I haven't grown my nails out.
Although the game is exhilarating, I'm not very good at it; not only am I too timid to just go for it whenever I see a pair, but my reactions are also slowed as I try to keep track of everyone's conversations. The freckled friend, apparently named Vince, is shocked when Ashleigh, the blond haired friend, reminds him about an assignment due tomorrow. James is talking to pretty much everyone. "What are you going to do, write it up in Popland?" she teases Vince.
Then the blue-haired person, Venus, announces they need to go pee. Mark, whose lap they are sitting on, wraps his arms around their waist tighter. They feign struggling and tries to push his arms apart. "Stopppp, I will actually pee on you."
"Hey." James looks a little alarmed. "I don't care if you pee on Mark, but like, please not in the kitchen."
Mark lets go, and Venus skips out of the kitchen towards the bathroom. During this pause, I bring out my alcohol and ask James if I can borrow a glass. He gets one for me even as I try to assure him I can get it myself.
"We're going soon so you'll have to drink quickly," James comments.
I take two shots in succession.
By the time Venus is back, I'm more at ease, but still can't quite find an in to the conversation.
Mark suggests playing never have I ever, and I'm very glad of it despite the fact its my first time playing.
"Do you drink when you have done it, or when you haven't?"
"Have," Venus says. By chance they're next to me now. They've either a lightweight or have had the most to drink of everyone.
Mark begins, "Never have I ever ... sent a nude to the wrong person."
Venus takes a sip and flips James off. "That was targeted."
Mark shrugs. "Yeah, but it's so funny. Do you all know the story?"
James grins, eyes glancing over to Venus and Mark.
Other than him, no-one else does so Mark goes on. "They accidentally sent the nude not just to one person but to their whole group chat."
"Yeah, and you can't delete messages on Facebook so it's still in the chat." Venus laughs and shakes their head. "It was a group project chat and were so busy with the approaching deadline that no-one commented except for one or two people sending me creepy DMs."
When it comes to my turn I say, "Never have I ever gone forty-eight hours without sleeping." Venus and James take a shot.
The game goes on more or less like this. I do not get very drunk. Eventually Vince says, "Never have I ever drunk dialled an ex."
With a big sigh, James takes a shot. "It was accidental! I was trying to call Cindy the estate agent not Cindy."
I can't help but smile for a second but fortunately no-one notices. "Oh, I didn't know you weren't together anymore."
"Yeah, we broke up because we went to different unis," James says.
What a weird reason.
Quickly after that, Venus says, "Never have I ever been slapped in the face with a dick." No one takes a sip. "Well, okay then. Try it some time, it's fun." Venus downs their forfeit shot, and we're off to a club called Rows.
On the way Venus asks if I'm cold. It's a bit chilly, yes, but I don't mind it. My limbs are buzzing from the Schnapps. "Your words warmed me up," I tell them, worrying that I'm overstepping by acknowledging their indication of care. Also because of the Schnapps, that worry is dulled enough that I forget about it soon after.
When we arrive at the entry way, I'm greeted by a thudding base. I let it wash through my bones. It's relaxing in an all-consuming way. I'm surprised that I have to pay to get in. I don't have enough cash on me. Vince asks what's the hold up and I explain the situation. He gives me a look like I'm stupid. Little bitch. Even if my inhibition are soggy, I still don't let that flash of annoyance out. I'm about to go out to the ATM but James comes forward and pays for me.
"I've got you, girl."
I smile at him, thankful that he saved me the embarrassment, and ashamed that I now owe him. "I'll buy you a drink!" I yell over the rush of music when the door to the dance floor ahead opens. He nods at me and I wait by the fish tank to the side of the dance-floor doors until everyone has paid and dropped off their coats. Venus stands next to me and I want to say something to them but I can't come up with anything before we head in.
They're playing old classics that I don't know. But everyone else seems to and I let myself reflect their happiness as they situate themselves on the dance floor. I'm a shit dancer. James is a fucking amazing dancer. His moves are both precise and powerful, and he doesn't let up, drawing on some font of boundless energy inside himself. I could watch him all evening. When I realise I'm staring and turn away. Mark and Venus are dancing together next to me and when I catch Venus's eye, they smile at me and dance facing each other in a triangle. I feel like I've intruded so I keep avoiding eye contact until they both turn away from me again. There's no one I know around me now. Where's James? A flash of orange hair. Vince. No. I slink off the dance floor and order a rum and coke from the bar. It's sickly sweet, sharply cool. I can see better from here. Ah, James! I head into the crowd again, slipping between people, towards his sweat-slick form, jumping up and down to pop-rock classics, arms over the back of Ashleigh and someone I don't know. His face lights up when he spots me, and he invites me to jump with them. I join on the side with the unknown guy, and we keep going. My timing needs work but no-one really minds. When the song ends, our group undergoes a mitosis. I get a few precious minutes dancing in front of James but dare not overstay my welcome and weave back out of the crowd to catch my breath.
It's still so loud and I feel like a lemon standing off to the side with no-one so I head to the smoking area, a tropical-styled grassy courtyard with an open ceiling. The music is much quieter and the night air refreshes me. Venus is sitting on a wooden bench in the corner, leaning against Mark. They wave me over; I join them.
"I like your shirt!" Venus say. I'm glad they speak loudly because my ears are ringing.
It takes me a moment to register their compliment. "Thanks! Not many people recognise Blossom-chan." My heart beats faster, and I fix my sights on the street beyond the crosshatch fencing.
Mark rubs Venus's arm. He asks, "What do you think about those people trying to sneak into Randsburg? You know, the ones trying to get infected."
This wasn't an uncommon occurrence, although it was under reported. A couple tried a few weeks ago and got shot. They regularly posted on the same forms I lurked in; they'd seen the same video of the infected surviving gunshots and days without food, of them single-mindedly aggregating in loving heaps. They'd felt the same yearning I did. Now they're dead, when they could have been something more. I say, "If people want to risk infection, that's their business. Besides, it's a pretty high reward for the risk. I'd fucking love to be unkillable.'
"Same!" Venus says. They raise their hand and we high five. "We want to live forever too." They give a look to Mark, who smiles a confirmation. After that, they abruptly rise to their feet, and drag Mark with them. "Wanna go to the alt room?"
They don't have to ask again. The three of us head back in, up a flight of stairs, and into a room playing Billy Talent's Red Flag. I dance with Venus and Mark and keep probably the right amount of eye contact. Mark is quite reserved in his dancing but not bad (at least as far as I can tell). Venus is as energetic as James, but floppier, bumping between Mark and I. Then they collide with a guy sporting a neon mowhawk. They both start to apologise and within the next second their mouths are interlocked. Mark gives me an amused look.
It's not like I even wanted Venus to kiss me-I'm interested in James-so why is my chest tightening? Is it the way he holds Venus's waist, the way he manevours them to the corner of the club, or the way Venus's lusty face says they're into it? Into him even though they made eye contact for the first time five seconds ago? I just dance with Mark a while longer, stealing glances every now and then. Eventually Mark gets a cup of water for Venus and makes sure they drink it. After that Venus and mohawk leave the room and I just know they're going to do something utterly illicit.
The next day, I'm more perky, not only because I've shaken off the last of the hangover, but also because Venus sends me a DM.
Despite the remnant sting, I'm excited to see Venus again. I wish I had spoken with them more that night. I was worried I wouldn't get the chance again for a long while. I never expected to meet someone who also longed for Blossom-given immortality like me. I've known for a while that such people exist, that despite appearances I am not alone. However, I'd only seen them on internet forums. There's no scope to meet up because the Blossom is considered a category A bioweapon, and so any discussion of obtaining it is sufficient to warrant an investigation.
Since my Blossom-chan t-shirt is in my pile of dirty clothes, I opt for a hoodie.
I'm at the library shortly before twelve. Venus and Mark are standing together just outside the library café, each sipping a hot beverage.
"Hey," Venus says. We exchange pleasantries, and then their face turns serious. They take me into the building behind the library. We go up one pair of stairs, around a corridor, then down another pair of stairs. "This building is a bit weird," they explain. "This is the only way to this room so not many people bother with it. Hope you aren't too creeped out." I say it's fine, more curious than anything.
Then we're inside. It's small, windowlness, and one of the florescent lights doesn't work. There's a delicate layer of grime over everything. Clearly, the cleaners also don't bother much with this one. Venus closes the door behind them, and I think for a moment I'm about to be beaten or something. Instead, they ask me, "What do you want from the Blossom? Be completely honest."
I'm caught off guard by the sudden question, but honesty is something I can do. Since they're watching me so expectantly, I answer quickly, "I- I want to be something more than human." It's the truth as compactly as I can make it. Venus and Mark look to each other then back at me.
"Go on," Mark says. "Why do you want to be something more than human?"
So they do want the details? "About two years ago, I came across a video. I didn't know it at the time, but I think it showed some of the first people infected-for lack of a better word-with the Blossom. A woman with a weird eye kisses a normal man and transforms him into something like her. She takes care of him and loves him and makes what's in her part of him." I struggle with how to continue. Venus and Mark give me time, so I eventually find the right words. "It's just so much simpler than what humans do. I want a love like that."
"The video with Neil Wood?" Venus asks.
"Yes."
They exchange a look. "Thanks, Aster. Sorry for being so weird about this, but could you go now?"
I blink at her. No need to ask her to repeat herself though, or say something so pathetic as 'I thought we were going to hang out?' Instead, I smile, give a quizzical "Okay?" and then leave back the way I came. It was nice to get to talk to someone about this stuff, even in these circumstances.
They didn't call me wrong or tell me to fix myself, at least.
I sit on the benches outside the library and take a moment to figure out what exactly happened. When I can't do that, since I'm out and geared up for social interaction, I text James to see if he wants to catch up. My heart's dancing as I type. This is normal right? Or will he think it's a date because I'm only inviting him? Of course, I want to date him so that shouldn't even matter, and it's better if he rejects me now rather than me wasting time pining over him only for my card-castle of feelings to topple over at the end.
He doesn't text me back, so I go home and finish my homework instead. When I'm done with that, I find someone from the biology department who has written an unpublished paper about the Blossom and email him.
I head out to meet him outside the arts centre. Somehow the wedge-shaped building is the least colorful on the campus, but it does have a theatre at the front and displays of artwork from recent graduates along the walls so it's a fun place to hang out. He's eating a sandwich in the cafeteria just beyond the entrance. He's more slumped over than usual but rather than looking tired he just looks relaxed.
I greet him and take a seat on the opposite end of the table. He chews and swallows his mouthful of food and greets me back. His sweet smile makes me want to wipe the crumbs from the corner of his mouth.
"I had no idea you're also a student here," I tell him. "What are you studying?"
He's wearing a short-sleeve shirt which shoes of his biceps. They'be gotten larger. I try not to stare. "In theory, I should be studying engineering." He laughs a little. "Yeah, I know, I'm surprised too but my parents insisted either this or medicine. Let me guess what you're studying. Maths, right?"
I'm not surprised he guessed it.
"Knew it. How are you finding it?" He looks me in the eyes as he asks this, and I can't respond until I look away.
"It's fun. Really different to A-level maths. Honestly, I wish they taught it this way from the start." Before I launch into a tirade about the failures of sixth-form education, I stop myself. "How about you?"
James laughs nervously and lets out a long "uhhh". He says, "It's not for me, to be honest. Too much math, no offence. I'm trying to transfer courses, but I've left it too long, and they won't let me." He sighs. "Guess I just got to make the best of it."
Poor James. He's smart, you can tell that within a few minutes of talking to him, but he's never had the best study habits, and likely hasn't improved them. If he could just make some time every day to study, he'd be really good. "If you want, I'm happy to help if I can."
I regret this as soon as I say it-what if he thinks I am pitying him? But instead, his face lights up. "If you want to help, I'm completely stuck on an assignment due later today." He opens his backpack and pulls out a scribbled over sheet.
Although I question why he was hanging out with friends, and now me, if he's stuck on an assignment due so soon, I don't voice this out loud. The sheet is just multivariable calculus, stuff I learnt in first year, although a bit more focused on calculations than theory. I do my best to follow his handwriting which is almost as illegible as my own (a fact that pleases me somehow). His main problem is that he misunderstands which operations apply to vectors and which apply to scalars.
I point this out as delicately as I can and explain it with a few examples. "Holy shit, why didn't they just say that?" We do the first few questions together. It doesn't take very long and soon he's written up the whole assignment. He looks so pleased and for a moment I think it would be so right for our smiles to touch each other seeing as they are one and the same.
He thanks me with a hug, and I can feel his biceps against my own. The difference is enough to make me shudder, and I hope he can't see that. There is no hiding my blushing, however. He doesn't make a comment at least. He's too focused on scanning in his assignment.
Once he's finished with that, we take a walk through the art centre, looking at the paintings. I haven't done this since I first arrived and there are some new pieces. One I find myself staring at is a canvas slathered with thick murky brown paint with shades of red interspersed between. Noticing my interest, James says, "If you like that, look up Hamed Abdalla. He does similar stuff."
"Similar how?" I have to ask because I've never thought of any piece of abstract art as having similarities to another.
James hmms. "Like you see how the darker colours kind of snake through the picture? And the red highlights this form? There's a figure, but it's vague and hard to grasp. He does stuff like that. I really like it. There's enough to get you thinking."
I take another look at the painting; I get what he's saying. It's like a serpent swimming through a river made red by the setting sun. Or through a dark underbrush, trailing blood of something it ate after it. James tells me that he's quite into painting. Actually, he has been since I'd first known him, although he was shy about it until recently.
"Can I see what you're working on?" I ask. He brings out his phone and shows me some sketches; a few still-lifes of baskets of fruit, a painting of a cybernetic warrior, a sketch of a scene from Bladerunner.
It seems to me that his work is in fact good enough to go up in a gallery, at least to my untrained eye. I say as much, and even go so far as to jokingly suggest he paints a picture of me. "Sure," he says, "but you have to keep helping me with my assignments." Not sure if he's just joking along I leave it there, and let him tell me about different brands of abstract art until I feel like I've overstayed my welcome in his presence.
After a while, he suggests we take a break.
I tilt my head and push against my neck until it clicks and ask if I can see the progress. He tells me it's better to wait for the finished product, so I don't press further. Instead, I go over, to look at the games he keeps on the shelf above his desk. I see some things I expect like Call of Duty and FIFA and try to stop myself from cringing.
"I'm not doing anything for the next hour or so if you want to play," James says. "See anything you like?"
Before I say no, I spot something interesting; Dark Sector. I've never met anyone else who played that, although many people know about its spiritual successor, Warframe. We take turns playing it from the beginning.
We're sat on his bed where he sleeps, where he has his dreams and fantasies. Our hips aren't touching, but if I concentrate, I can feel the periphery of his body heat. What does he think about when he's falling asleep. Is it ever me? I've been thinking about him a lot, especially at night. I had only wanted to hold onto him until I could leave humanity behind but now, I wonder if I could take him with me, like I wanted to take Denise with me.
The thought of her makes me wonder if I'm just losing sight of what matters. As much as I appreciate seeing new depths of James, I don't know what he's really like. If I start to think of him as my perfect suitor, he'll surely fall short, and I'll be left with no-one to hold onto until I no longer need to hold onto anyone. Worse, some of the less desirable aspects of his personality might mix into me. What if I start going out every week and playing video games when I should be studying? That's the real danger, I remind myself.
The main character, Hayden, dies to a slow-moving zombie. James takes over, and continues from the last save. He focuses on the game properly. I can watch the lights flickering across his blue eyes without him noticing.
I want to lay my head on his lap as he plays, but if I go that far, then I'm forsaking the spectre of Denise who lives inside me. I know the real Denise wouldn't care at this point. That she'll probably never understand what I wanted, will never message me, thank me for waiting for her. By even wanting to be closer to someone else I have not waited. I am betraying the Denise who could love me so tenderly.
But that Denise never existed, so this guilt has no right to exist either. The Denise that could love me eternally was only ever an illusion and I can't keep clinging to it.
James's alarm rings, the voice of someone I don't recognise making strange honking noises. A prank, I assume, and he probably never changed it back. He saves the game. "I'm going to meet Venus and Mark again. Want to come?"
Venus and Mark. I had managed to put them out of my mind-easy to do around James since he puts everything out of my mind. Now I recall our bizarre interaction and it seems all the more unusual in retrospect.
He notices my hesitation and whispers, "I know they spoke to you about something. It's ... a precaution. We want you to join our group, but it's better to explain it there."
"Your group?" I whisper back, although I'm not sure why.
Venus and Mark are already there, sitting together at a table near the front, and there is also a girl with tired eyes sitting towards the back of the room. She looks at me for a second and then away again before I can say hi and starts scrolling through her phone. Venus gets up from their seat, comes over and pats me on my shoulder. "Sorry about all the secrecy and stuff."
"So, what's all this about?" I ask. James had said nothing except reassurances the whole way. I gave up asking questions about half-way.
Venus, however, gets right into it. "We're called the Seeds of Eternity and our mission is to obtain the Blossom for ourselves." They smile proudly at this. "We want to invite you to join but we had to be sure you had the right motivations first. We've discussed it, and we think you do."
Mark agrees. "Yeah, making up a lie that specific on the spot would be hard to believe. We'll trust you if you trust us. So, do you want to join?"
"Yes." I surprise myself with how quickly my answer comes. I can see I've pleased Venus and Mark and so I stick to it. "How exactly are you planning to get the Blossom, though? I mean, it's not like we can just fly to Africa."
She gives me an amused smirk. "We'll talk about that once everyone is here. Actually, we finally seem to have found an opening."
We sit together in a row at the front table, James next to me, and Venus and Mark together next to him. Remembering that James is with me, I'm struck with a sense of disconnection. Does James, of all people, really want to live forever? I feel butterflies at the possibility; this was the bifurcation point for Denise and me, yet for James it could be the point where our lives come together again. Before now, I had never imagined that he ever thought about immortality or the failures of humanity. That was wrong of me.
As we wait, Venus asks me how I've been, and I mention that James and I have been playing games. Venus seems pleased that we have been hanging out, more so than I expected. We go on to chat about what games we're into. They say they've been into Stardew Valley recently, but they can't get Mark to play it. "I like the dungeon aspects," he says.
I ask him if he likes any other games.
"Do you know Civ?" he asks. I nod at once. It's not the main RTS game I play but I've got few hours on it. I think this is the first time I've made him smile and it gives me the same satisfaction as completing the optional and difficult part of an assignment. We chat for a while before the next person arrives.
That person is a middle-aged man with shaggy blonde hair. At first, I believe he's university staff here to kick us out. He regards me for a second, gives a polite nod, and takes a seat next to the Venus. As he removes his beige longcoat, I realise he's part of the group too.
"Are you Aster?" he asks, extending his hand across the table. I shake it and tell him I am. I'm a little put off by how firm his shake is. I suppose he doesn't mean anything by it. "Pleasure to meet you. I'm Charlie."
"Nice to meet you too." He might be a mature student, but even then, he'd be older than average, and hasn't shaved in a few days.
Venus stands up as soon as Charlie has sat down, drawing all eyes. They begin, "Before we get started, I want to introduce my new and super cool friend Aster. Let's go around introduce ourselves. Could you start, Julia?"
Julia is apparently the girl who has been sitting by herself. She looks up and gives a little wave. "Hi, I'm Julia. She/her. I'm a first year compsci student." She looks back at her phone and the introductions move on to Charlie.
He gives another little nod and hmms to himself. "Well, I'm Charlie. My pronouns are he/him. Uh. I work as a chemistry technician. Did my undergrad here and I've been around ever since."
"Hello. Well, we met already two weeks ago," Mark says, in his usual warm tone. "But anyway, I'm Mark. My pronouns are he/him. I'm a second year international student from Italy, and I study English and Creative Writing." He gestures to Venus.
Venus, still standing, beams a smile at me. "I'm Venus Stardust. My pronouns are they/them. I'm a second year compsci student, watercolour artist, and I'm the founder of this group." Again, that prideful expression. It looks good on them.
Next, it's James's turn. "Do I have to? I mean, I don't mind but Aster and I have been hanging out all day already."
Venus, who has moved to the computer in the corner of the room, shrugs. "You don't have to."
He clears his throat and goes on. "Well, it's been a while. I'm James, he/him, I'm a first-year engineering student. I would be second, but they held me back. I like playing football, painting, and watching sci fi."
It takes me a moment of observing everyone's expectant looks before I realise I too have to introduce myself. "Oh, uh, yes. I'm Aster, I use she/they pronouns but don't care that much. I'm a second-year maths student, and I like to play RTS games, watch anime, and eat quesadillas." One of these things earns me a thumb of up from Julia in the back, although I'm not sure which.
With the introductions done, and the projector turned on, Venus claps their hands and goes on, "Right. Let's get into it. I've been so excited to tell you all about this." They've connected their laptop to the projector which a blank power point slide with lots of question marks.
Venus begins, standing tall in front of the projection. They speak with joyful cadence, despite the contents of their speech. "Friends, let me remind you that we are little more than nothing. It is beyond our power to claim our right to the fruits of the tree of life from where they grow ripe. We would be barred exit by our own nation's leaders, bared entry by the leaders of other nations, and gunned down where we stand if we somehow managed to get near any viable source of the Blossom. These giants to which we are beholden would crush us like fleas, for they are wealthy and mighty, and we are poor and puny.
"Yet ... did not life itself start from nothing? Primordial soup to dinosaurs, pathogen to pandemic, zygotes to a fully formed human? Time and time again, we have seen great and terrible forces germinate from the humblest beginnings. My fellow seeds, we have been granted the opportunity to continue this tradition."
Mark, who has snuck up to Venus's laptop during this speech, clicks a button. The next slide shows messages in an app I've never seen before. It's got a very minimal interface. One message in particular is highlighted:
"We have waited for this chance for a long time, and we may not get one like it again. We must strike out with everything we have. We will ascend the legs of the giants and take what belongs to us. For Eternity!"
This doesn't mean much to me, but everyone else is ecstatic. Even Julia gives a small smile and has her eyes fixed on the projection. They echo the cheer For Etenrity. James and Charlie grab each other's shoulders and share a grin. When James turn to me, I reflect his joy, albeit through a filter of confusion. I clap with the others, letting their excitement in.
I can gather, at least, that the chance to unite with the Blossom is nigh.
After things settle down, Venus apologises for the lack of clarity. "I'd written the speech before I met you and I wanted it to be perfect." They explain that over the past year, they've infiltrated a group called The Living Petals, which is like Seeds for Eternity, except they're larger and have many more resources. The main difference, though, is the goals of the two groups. While Seeds for Eternity has no goal other than uniting with Blossom for their own personal reasons, The Living Petals want to carefully control it for humanitarian aims. They've been helping those affected by the Blossom, who would otherwise be hunted down, in exchange for being allowed to study them.
I knew that the Blossom wasn't a death sentence like the news had been saying. Venus confirms this. "That's just an excuse they use to get away with things like the Johannesburg Massacre."
"Who is going?" James asks.
"We'll all go, except we'll be taking place in different ways. Charlie and I are infiltrating their research division, while everyone else will be doing general volunteering for them. They have a pressing need for more hands and resources." So, pressing that they're willing involve undergraduate in their research division? Venus laughs and says not quite, but they're faking their identity. "It's surprisingly easy since we're all trying to remain anonymous anyway. I managed to do a bit analysis on some data, and they're convinced I could be useful to them."
Julia asks the next question in a low voice, "How exactly do we plan to get Blossom from The Living Petals, and especially get it back here?"
"I don't know enough yet to say. Don't worry though. Most of us will not be able to return, but we only need one." She looks at me when she says this.
During this time, Venus continues to share exchanges between herself and TSOL. She's quite glib about showing off the interactions, and I'm both honoured and astonished she's come to trust me so easily. It would not be hard to turn her into the police for a finanical reward. Not that the idea crossed my mind.
We're looking forward to our continued partnership, however an incident occured, which means we may have delays in setting you up here. Would you be able to come in September instead?
It is difficult to ask that of you since you've already given so much. But I cannot say that it won't help. If you could contribute about 2000 at the usual address that might allow us to mitigate setback.
I have to ask her if she's possibly getting scammed. I certainly wouldn't ever contribute so much money to someone whose face I've never seen. But she assures me her contact is legit. "They are fleecing me," she says, "but they also do plan to let me join up with them. Once I run out of money, they'll have other uses for me."
The idea is that Venus and Charlie leave first to join the Petals of Life at their base in Randsburg. There they earn their trust and wait for an opportunity get infected. Once they find and accept the Blossom, James and Mark will go next and meet them at the border of the Safe Zone, the closest international vistors are allowed to Randsburg. There Venus and Mark will provide James and Mark with infected fluids, who won't yet ingest those fluids. Instead, they'll meet with me and Julia deeper in the Safe Zone and split the fluids, which we will all smuggle out on separate planes to maximise the chance of success.
"This way if the plan fails at any stage, hopefully the people further up the chain aren't affected. Especially you since you have very little association to us."
I have concerns. When I'm asked if I want to know more, because it's safer not to, I say I want to have confidence this is not a waste of an opportunity to obtain the only thing that really matters. "How do you expect to get back into THe safe Zone? The boarder is heavily guarded, right?"
Venus shakes her head. "Not so much. Yeah, the boarders of infected regions have lots more border control guards, but firstly there is a lot of perimeter to cover, and secondly we believe we'll be able to bribe the guards. It's not really different to any other kind of illegal migration, and that happens all the time."
Since they both look young, especially Mark, I worry that they'll be found out. Mark laughs when I mention this. "They'll find it odd but it shouldn't raise alarm bells. After all, it's less likely we're there to bust them if we don't give hardened investigator vibes."
After such meetings, The Seeds come around James's places often and we chat or play Risk. We go out clubbing a few times too, although I go out less than the others. It's nice but given how I reacted to Venus kissing mohawk guy, I don't think I could bear to see James tongue-tied with someone other than me. So, I only go out when I expect we're not going to get too drunk.
On the 27th of February, after weeks of no new cases of NILS, there's a massive outbreak in Johannesburg. Hundreds confirmed infected, likely many more in reality. The city is locked down, and there are stricter controls on migration into the country, but they don't repeat the total closure of boarders as before. We're not sure what to make of it at first. Eventually decide this is amazing news; it means the Blossom is still far from being eradicated, and they're priortising the economy over controlling it.
To celebrate, The Seeds of Eternity go out to London for a two-day trip, although due to rail complications we arrive in the evening and we're too tired to go out. Instead, we congregate in Venus and Mark's room. To save on hotel feels, Venus and Mark booked the hotel room and the rest of us are camping out here. Venus refers to it as "training" for when we'll have to sneak across borders in May. So far, no-one suspects anything, although we all go quiet when we hear people walk past the door.
We buy so much food from the nearby Tesco that we struggle to finish it. Venus plays hyperpop goth-rock playlist and cuddles Mark, while James and I sit together on the floor eating nachos with Charlie. Julia has found a comfy spot in the corner of the room and is watching us all. Now that I know she's just quiet around everyone, and not hostile to me, I quite like her presence, although I've not learnt anything new about her since that initial meeting.
"So happy to have you all here," Venus says, taking a sip from a bottle of Absolut Vodka, which she then passes to Mark. "When we're all immortal, we need to keep hanging out, okay? Promise?"
Charlie takes a sip from the bottle and nods. "Hell yeah. No way I'm abandoning you all after everything you've done for me." He passes the bottle to James.
"Do you all want to live together?" James asks. He sits up to take his drink. "We could make a place for ourselves in the middle of nowhere."
Then it's my turn to take a drink. I'm glad the bottle comes directly from James and I savour my indirect kiss from him. I don't even mind that it has touched other lips. The burn of it fades into a comforting warmth. Encouraged by this warmth, my words slip out: "I've never had friends like you before," I tell them. "Well, except James but I didn't know it at the time." This gets a smile out of him. "Can I ask something, though?"
"'Course," James says. I pass the bottle back to him, and he passes it to Venus. Julia has her own drink and doesn't seem so keen on swapping spit with anyone. Fair enough. I thought I felt the same way, but everyone here is just so nice that my antcipated aversion never comes.
I lean against James, let my tiredness rest on his firm, comfortable body. I've been doing this lately, and he's not really protested before. He swishes my hair and I sigh deeply. "Before I joined, you asked me why I wanted to get infected with the Blossom, but I don't know why all of you want it. I thought I was the only one for the longest time."
James is the first one to answer. I feel his words vibrate through my chest as he speaks. "Life stopped being fun when I realized I'd have to do stuff I didn't care about until I die just to survive." He sighs. "Venus and I got chatting about this in an art class and they told me that there was a way I could rely on only myself and people I trusted, and I couldn't say no. Basically, this is the only way I'll get to live a life I choose." I hug James a little tighter.
Next Charlie answers. "My mother is sick. Cancer. She's got a while left, she's still hiking and knitting and all the rest, but it's going to take her too soon, and there's nothing the doctors can do. Thought I'd take matters into my own hands." I open one eye to see him staring down at the carpet.
"I'm sorry," I say. I don't know if it's the right thing to say, but I am sorry and I want his mother to feel better. No-one deserves to have their own body betray them; it's the worst betrayal of all, because what else can one rely on but their very own cells? Yet eventually all our bodies enter an affair with entropy and leave us behind.
"Cheers," he says.
Julia's voice is quiet, but we all hush to hear her. "I want revenge on the people who hurt me, and I have a long list." She takes a long sip of her gin and lemonade.
"I'll help!" Venus says, and we all agree. Who could hurt our precious Julia? We'll hunt them down when we have the power to do so.
"I want to stick around with Venus," Mark says. "Dying or living forever. I'm okay with either as as long as it's with them." This is met by a chorus of awws, and then Venus pulls him closer, gives him a big kiss on his cheek, and calls him a romantic.
Other than James, Venus's reason was the one I'm most curious about. "I just want to live forever. There are so many fun things I've not got the chance to do yet and won't get the chance to do if I die too soon."
As we pass by a surrealist section, Julia stops in front of a piece titled 'Of Love And Worms'. It is a watercolour depicting a womanly figure (face obscured by her head) reposed in the mud, worm-like organisms around her; the closer they are to her body, the more phallic they are rendered.
Julia takes a photo, then looks at the description on the side. "Do you think it makes the art better or worse to know what the person is like??"
"I like to know," James says, staring at the piece. "What I really want to know is 'What is the person who made this really like?' I think reading their biography or seeing their other pieces helps make that picture more complete, but we'll never know what they're really like beyond what their art can tell us."
After this, we come across 'Meditation' by Hamed Abdalla and it's as he described it; hints of something structured yet retaining enough ambiguity to give space for one's imagination to grow into the gaps.
"I wish I could tell you more about him," James says. "But there's not much out there. He liked emphasising the value of words. We say a picture is worth a thousand words, but a lot of his work is based around only a single word." He stares at the piece a little longer, and I stare at him. "It elevates that word because he chose it so carefully and deliberately to make an entire piece dedicated to it."
"It's like calligraphy," I say. "The construction of the word is as important as its abstract meaning." James smiles at me.
"He actually did do calligraphy. I think you're right."
Maybe he is my ideal-I've never seen the world or art this way before. I need to ask him this before he leaves, I realise. There's time still - who knows it will take Venus and Charlie to complete their part of the mission - but still he'll eventually leave.
It's getting dark once we're done in the Tate Modern and my legs are sore from standing for so long. But the others want to meet us in Southway Modern Park. Venus sends a picture of Mark licking an ice-cream, unaware of a white splash at the tip of his nose. I am craving something sweet so we hop on the next bus we can find.
We find them deep in the park, sitting on a blanket, together. Their ice-creams have finished and they tell us to hurry because they think the van is going to go away soon. We make it just in time and James buys me a Flake 99 with strawberry sauce. For a moment, I feel like this is a gesture meant for me alone, but then he offers to buy Julia something too. Fortunately, she refuses.
"We went on the London Eye," Venus says. "It ... was nice being up high, but it was over so fast. It's also wayyy to expensive." She then asks how the museum was and James goes on again about his favourite exhibitions, showing off all the pictures he took. He doesn't leave a gap for Venus or me to say anything so I end up asking Mark how his ice cream was.
"Good," he says. He doesn't say anything else. I don't push for conversation seeing as he doesn't want it. Instead I watch the sunset for a while, half-listening to James in the background.
Eventually, as it gets dark, I realise that I haven't seen Julia in a while. I bring this up, and no-one has either. A little panic asserts itself in my chest, and we all spread out through the park looking for her. Something terrible couldn't have happened, could it? She was with us when we got ice-creams but she's so quiet that I never noticed her slip off. Maybe she just went for a walk.
I'm further away from the picnic basket than I expect to find her, almost at the edge of the park, when I hear a sound. It's a little like the wind but more human. It's my name, I realise, being called in a whisper yet more insistently each time. "Asterrrrr," comes a call from a tree. I look up and Julia is staring at me, expressionless, holding into a branch. "Help me down," she asks.
She is quite high up. I'm not sure how she got there, but she's definitely at risk of breaking something if she were to just drop. "I'll get the others and we can catch you if you drop carefully," I suggest. She gives a little thumbs up and I message the others. Soon we're all gathered beneath her, stretching out the picnic blanket.
James counts.
"One."
"Two."
"Three."
Julia tries her best to climb down and makes it to the lower branch before falling. The blanket rips as she falls onto it. We lean over her, James getting onto his knees to check on her more closely. She blinks up at him and mutters a quiet, "thanks." He gives her head a little pat. I expect her to protest this action since she always struck me as someone opposed to physical contact, but instead she smiles and visibly relaxes. We give her some space to pat herself off. Venus hands her bag from which she takes out some hand sanitizer and cleans her hands and arms.
Julia is on the couch in on the other side of the room, sitting cross-legged and playing a game on a PSP. I admit she fascinates me, if only because I know so little about her. Since she's always preoccupied with something, I've never been able to bring myself to disturb her. But I had a little more of the cherry vodka, so I dare, at least, to ask, "Can I ask you a question?"
After so long a pause I assume she's ignoring me, she pauses her game and gives a thumbs up.
"Why did you climb the tree?" I ask, sitting up so I can see her better. It's not the question I wanted to ask. But I can't bring myself to ask what she thought about the headpat.
To my surprise, she pauses her game and looks at me. "I saw a cute squirrel."
"Do you like animals?"
"Yes," she says. "I have dogs." She crawls over to me across the room and shows me some pictures of labradors and beagles. In one of them there's an elderly woman wearing sunglasses with a big smile. "That's my mother. I'm going to kill her and take my dogs back."
Oh, she is interesting. I don't want to press further though, so I just say, "Good luck." She smiles and stays near my side of the room. She places her earbuds back in and resumes playing.
It's nearing midnight and I put my book away. I go to brush my teeth and when I'm done Julia still shows no signs of sleeping so I ask her if I can turn the lights off.
Once I'm back in the sleeping bag, I ask, "What are you playing?"
She scoots over to me again and shows me a game called Planetary Wound. A polygonal astronaut walks on a dusty red planet. There are meaty things in the shadows. The astronaut enters into dialogue with one of these. It gives praise for spreading the word of The Bleeding Hole. Julia doesn't say much.
James slips into the bathroom.
I lie down again, try to sleep. I can't. The pops of kisses, the wet sucking, the little moans of ecstasy and Venus whispering "lower, lower" grab my attention and hold it. By the time James is out of the bathroom Venus has forgotten all about being quiet for the sakes of Julia and I; they moan unashemedly before being quitened by hand or mouth.
Is James going to join too?
No, that would be too much to bear. How, when could Venus choose others so easily, could he choose them? Is a trickle of their divided love worth that much more than my own? He's looking at them, gormless, inebriated, pretty. I see the longing in his eye, and I grab his ankle. He looks down at me, smiles, kneels down. "If you want someone, have me," I tell him. I wonder for a moment if this is a dream and that's why the words come easy.
He lowers himself, lacking all elegance. His hot, minty breath washes over me. There's an undercurrent of spirits beneath the mint. The sweat of a night spent dancing linger on his clothes, and I pull him closer. Our mouths fold into each other; I press my lips over his, clamping him in place, claiming him as mine. When the bed shakes again, and Venus's moans come fast and frequent, I place my hand over the back of his head and let loose my tongue in his mouth. I drink up his flavours and let the heat of him wash through me.
He moans when his tongue meets mine. His hand rides over my hip and a shiver travels through me.
I grip onto his hair-not so tight I hurt him-try to make him moan louder to drown out Mark whispering lewd things and Venus whispering as the stranger inserts something into somewhere.
"Ashter," James says into my mouth. We part. Did I do something wrong? I must have, I know. I'm about to tell him I can do better next time. "Aster." Despite the whining coming from only a few feet away, he still whispers. He places his hand on the side of my head. It's warm and I hold my face against it. He looks at me so kindly my heart eases. "I'm really sleepy, Aster. Let's talk about this tomorrow." With that he rolls over, and fumbles into his sleeping bag.
"Can I hold you?" I ask.
"Yeah," he says and I put my arms around him. I curl up against his back, listening to his heartbeat through his spine. I still cannot sleep through the lovemaking, but it doesn't take much longer for the three of them to fall asleep too.
Venus reminds everyone to drink plenty of water. Then, on the train back, they buy me a hot chocolate to make up for disturbing my sleep. They lean on Mark, and he rubs their temples.
I don't want to be mad at Venus.
The only thing they did wrong was, as they imply with their apologies, disturb my sleep and that doesn't bother me that much. I knew that I would sacrifice rest for this trip. What bothers me, for reasons my sleepy mind struggles to grasp, is the fact they moaned such blissful sounds for someone they had only just met. This is their right. I know that. And if it were just Mark, I would have thought only that it was right and proper, and I do not know why. They had only just met Nikol yet they took him into their bed so easily.
It is simply not how love or intimacy works.
One could say it is just lust that let Nikol into bed with Venus and Mark; yet what is lust but another form of affection? Shallower, maybe, but how could it be earned so easily? What dark deals and black magic was performed that lead to them bedding Nikol? He could not have just asked for it. That is creepy, and he'd be shunned just as surely as I would be. They must have asked him then, but isn't that just as bad? There is a protocol for intimacy. An over delicate design which demands careful construction. Patience. I have just barely started learning it, but I know that intimacy is an intricate machine that is only powerful in its complication and can be shattered lest one guard it as they build it.
I'm not naïve. I know of one-night stands, of hook ups, of friends-with-benefits, of polyamory, of cuckholdery, of neotare, of hotwives, of hall-passes, and of cheating. But these things were always the rusty linchpin holding up the drama of a hundred TV shows, the punchlines to a thousand terrible jokes, the thing that happened to a friend of a friend. A fiction. I know humanity as a complicated relationship with commitment, puritanism, and love and lust. It know of all this, yet it is different to see it sleeping peacefully in front of me.
James, tired too, rests his head on mine. I turn to face the window, and we watch the grey city rush past and give way to rolling countryside.
And oh, James. My light in all this moping and confusion. In the end, why should I care about Venus's illicit activities if you're here, holding me so? I've been laying the pieces of the intimacy between and you are following them as is appropriate. I am glad I kissed you. We haven't spoken about it yet, but I think you really like me too.
Julia is the first to see and she starts typing something before deleting it. A few seconds later, the group chat is alive.
I catch my breath. Spending the night at James's house sounds like a dream come true. I know I'd just been sleeping next to him, but that was in a neutral setting, around the others. This time it would just be him and me. And we haven't even talked about the kiss, although since he's happy to have me over, he at least doesn't hate me because of it. That's a relief. But what if he thinks this is just a ploy to get close to him? I would turn his offer down so that he knows for sure that I am not trying to intrude but I actually don't want to spend the night sleepless and wandering the campus.
I stop myself before I write "I hope we can do it again" because that isn't possible in the time before the first of us leave.
While he is off chatting with his flatmates in the kitchen, Julia messages me. I check it via the notification, so it doesn't show up as read.
I do want to play more games with her but there's too much on my mind to muster up a positive response, so I leave the message unread. She sends through a few more photos as I finish the pasta but I cannot see those in the preview. I'm surprised at how freely she messages me given how quiet she is in person.
When I finish the pasta bake, I sheepishly head towards the kitchen. I don't enter until I hear a pause in the conversation. Once inside, James greets me briefly before turning back to Vince. My chance to ask if I can wash the bowl is lost. Actually, isn't it a little odd to ask to wash a bowl? It is, isn't it? But it's also rude to just do it because if I do it wrong then I just waste soap and don't save them any time. But maybe it's yet ruder to do nothing at all.
All options are awful. But only one shows I cared enough to try, so I take the sponge and the soap and get to washing the dish. I do as thorough a job as I can and place it on the rack. On the way back, James finishes chatting with Vince and walks with me back to his room.
He sits down on the bed and pats the spot next to him. I sit down next to him without thinking about it.
"Do you want to talk about it?" he asks.
"Yes," I say. I want to talk about it, but what I want more is for him to kiss me again.
"I was pretty sloshed, but we definitely kissed, didn't we?" he smiles. "What did you mean by that?"
The question gives me pause. What did I mean by that? I know what prompted me; it was Venus and Mark and Nikol enjoying each other. It was jealousy and the ache of loneliness that opened the gates, but the reservoir of desire came before, and it was filled because of him. "James, I ... don't know how to answer that. If I could communicate what I felt with words, I wouldn't need to kiss you in the first place."
He lies back on the bed and looks up at me with an expression so soft I want to fall into it. "I just mean ... was that just a one-off thing? Or is it something you want to do more? It's okay either way. It doesn't change how I feel about you."
I look away, towards the door. How can he just ... say stuff like this? I like it of course, because I know I won't be offended by anything he says, but how does he know he won't bother me? Is he just that skilful? How could I even keep up with that?
"Aster?" he asks.
I realise I haven't spoken in a while. If he's being so direct, I can do the same. "What I want is," I start. The words dry up on my tongue. I was about to say is have someone to hold until the time comes that I leave humanity behind but ... James is leaving it too. It was easier when I thought we'd never see each other again. "I haven't figured it out."
"That's okay too."
"What do you want?" I ask him. "It doesn't matter what I want if you want something that I for sure don't want, so that's the easiest way to resolve this." When I check his reaction to my words, he's giving me a quizzical look, complete with a half-smile.
"Do you have to resolve everything right now? I just wanted to talk about it." He keeps his eyes on the ceiling. "I'm not sure what I want either. I didn't expect you to kiss me, but I liked it. I like it when you lean on me, and that you're coming over to my place more often. I like playing games with you and talking to you. I want to keep doing all that stuff."
I tilt my head. It's not that simple. Of course, I want to go on kissing and hugging and hanging out with you, but if you're not ideal for me then will you be okay with only doing that for now? Even asking you if you're okay with that could hurt you.
"I want to keep doing all of that too. But where does it lead?"
"We can find out when we get there," James tells me. "I don't want hard expectations and I don't want to put that on you either. But if we like each other what's wrong with just continuing as we are?"
I miss his arms around me; if only he could hold me together before I rupture, and he drowns in the torrent of my emotions. But that's not possible so I burst:
"When I saw you outside the lecture theatre, I wanted to be close to you. You've always been nice to me, even when I couldn't recognise it. You're one of the only good parts of humanity-that's what I thought, and I wanted to be with you until I left it. It would have been perfect, a good memory to take with me into my new life. But you're leaving too, and now there's a chance I might fall in love with you. If that doesn't happen, I'll have to leave you when I find the person I am meant for. It could all end in pain. Are you really okay with that?"
The soft expression drains out of his face. He's quiet now. Did I say something wrong?
"I'm sorry," I say. "I've led you on. We can forget I said anything, forget I kissed you, and just carry on like this."
"Give me a moment," he chokes out. I do. I get off the bed and go stand in the corner of the room, looking towards the door again. Eventually he sits up. "When you say leave me ... you mean we won't even be friends anymore? That's the only thing I don't want. Aster, I don't mind if you find someone you are meant for one day. I don't mind if we stop kissing when that happens."
He has burst too, and his feelings spill out of his face. I don't know if it's okay to go to him, but I do anyway; there is no reining in these impulses anymore. I wrap him in my arms. He doesn't fight it. He leans into me. "I'm sorry, no, I want to be friends with you; you've always been so good to me. If you're seriously, really okay with what might happen, then I want to continue as we've been."
We lie together, quiet except for breathing. I want so badly for him to say something, that everything is fine now, to tell me what he wants to do so I can go along with it, but I can't bring myself to prod him lest it change the course of his feelings.
After a while, I tell him I need to go brush my teeth.
After we've taken turns in the bathroom, he flops onto his bed. "Do you want to sleep with me?" he asks. "I want you to, but you don't have to, especially if you're a bit sore from our conversation."
"I want to," I say. I long to share warmth with him the whole night, and to waking up with our bodies overlapping, his sleepy face next to my own. He's okay with me telling him this kind of thing, isn't he? "You're comfy. Can I hold your hand?"
He lets me.
Once we're both undressed to our underwear, we lie together under his duvet. I face the ceiling and he lies on my chest. His hand fumbles around, grazes my thigh, before eventually finding my own hand. He apologises as we entwine our fingers together. I tell him he can touch me any way he wants to. He nuzzles his face against my bare chest before he rests his head there. His stubble tickles and his steady breathing lulls me to the state between sleep and wakefulness. He can definitely hear my heartbeat. He tells me my skin is soft and that I smell pretty and when I tell him he smells nice too and I like the weight of his head on me, he's already asleep.
While I wait for him to wake up, I text Julia.
I gently touch James on the shoulder to rouse him. This doesn't work at all. In the end, I have to bite his arm before he responds. He looks a little confused. I kiss his forehead and tell him I'm going to go out and get my card back before the Student Offices close. Since it's term break, they're only open until 12:00 and it's already 9:23. James doesn't seem to think there's any need to rush, but I remind him I have to cancel my card too before someone goes on a spending spree with it and that would be easier to do from my laptop in my room.
After we've got back to my place, I hesitate to let James into my room. It's definitely a mess. Granted, his was also, but I worry about his impression. I haven't opened the window in a while because I don't want bugs to fly in. What if it smells weird? If I was expecting company I would have aired it out before hand. It would be rude of him to keep him out when he let me in though, so I hope for the best.
He takes a seat on my bed while I cancel my card. He watches me take my shirt off and I don't think he knows he's staring until I ask him what he's thinking about.
"Well, I'm not sure if I should say." He adjusts his dick in his trousers.
I must have made him hard, right? Is this the right time to ask to see it? I think I felt it pressing against me last night, but I wasn't sure.
I dare him to touch my boobs. Before I realise it, he's squeezing them, and I can't help but slip out moan. "Oh damn, you're sensitive," he tells me, not letting go. I am blushing but I don't feel like I have any need to hide it from him.
I look down at his pants and the bulge is just a bit visible beneath his jeans.
"Do you want to touch me there?" he asks, hands already unbuckling his belt.
I can do that? How did this happen?
He withdraws his hand from my chest. "You okay? We don't have to keep going if you don't want to."
"I- I'm fine." I tear my gaze away from his loins and instead focus on the little pile of clothes in the corner of my room. If I knew we were going to have sex I would have made the place look a bit nicer, would have planned out my responses better, been flirtier and tempted him more completely. "I want to do it. I really do. It's just ... I didn't expect this. It's not really ... special enough for our first time. Yeah, that's it." I'm aware of my own erection now, as if it's being engorged by all the fantasies I've been having of him. "But I don't want to miss my chance either."
He gives me a smile and touches my shoulder. "It's okay. We'll have other chances and we can make it special. You want to get dressed alone?"
"I don't mind that. I like that you enjoy looking at me."
With a contended sigh he says, "Yeah, I do a lot. Do you mind if I go to your bathroom and ... sort myself out then? Totally okay if not."
My head goes light. The thought of him stroking himself off in my en suite which I get to use every day is tempting for sure. However, it would be even better in my room. "You can touch yourself here if you want. I can show you my body."
He perks up at the idea. "You sure?"
"Absolutely."
His pants are off moments later and he's stroking his dick, mouth agape. Maybe I should just put it in my mouth? But I can't keep changing my mind and it's not the right moment. It's not special enough and I'll regret it if it isn't. I slip a hand into my own trousers and try to match his pace.
Except he goes faster.
I undo the trousers' button and slip them to the floor.
Another moan finds its way out of his mouth. The veins in his hand pop out as he grips tighter and he spreads his legs. His balls shake with the vigour of his strokes, and I wish I could feel them bouncing against my face. "You're so hot, Aster. God, I want to be in you."
That thought makes me moan in turn. With my free hand, I rub my nipple. Does he really like looking at me so much that it causes expressions like that? What part of me does he want to be in? My mouth? My ass? Both? Fuck, I want both, one after the other.
James spreads his legs a little, leaning back. The outline of his abs reveals itself. He's breathing harder now. I dare to move a little closer. He bites his lip.
My mouth waters at the thought of licking the stream of hair coming down from his navel to his groin. I've never been into or imagined that part of someone before but it looks so inviting on him. A trail leading to hard, hot treasure. "You're going too fast. Do you want to see anything?"
"Could you bend over for me?" he asks.
I do it at once.
He stifles a laugh. "No-ah, fuck, sorry for laughing. That wasn't very clear. I meant to bend over the other way. I want to look at your ass."
Of course he does. Since I'm already red, he doesn't see my embarrassment. I stand up again, take off my underwear completely, and bend over with my legs spread so he can see my hole clearly, hands against the wall for support. "Is this good?"
"Oh, yes, that's so good. You've got such a cute little butt. It would be even cuter stuffed full of me though."
His words make my hole twitch and for a moment I wish he would just get off the bed and spear me. If he did, I wouldn't complain. But then he wouldn't be the super nice James he is who I am falling for. "You'll get to soon. You'll get to stretch me out as much as you want."
He lets out another, louder moan. For a moment I worry about my housemates hearing but I've heard worse from Kimberly and her boyfriend, so I don't care. Let them hear, let them ask me about it, tease me about it. I'm proud that I got him to make that sound for me.
After a second the sounds cease. "Uh, Aster?"
I turn around. James lets out a deep breath. "Wow, that's a lot." Cum is splattered over his stomach and pubes. It takes all my willpower to not bury my head between his legs. "All that for me?"
He doesn't laugh. "Sorry, I got a bit on your bed. I'll clean it up right away. Could you pass me a tissue?"
"That's the opposite of a problem," I whisper.
"What's that?"
I give him the tissue, contemplating If I want to reveal quite how into the idea of having his fluids on my bed I am. Fuck it, he just came in my room staring at my asshole. "I said, that's the opposite of a problem."
His eyebrow raises. "Well then, I guess I'll just leave it there for you to enjoy tonight?"
I'm caught off guard by how straightforward he is. But I do want him to do that. What, though, would he think of me for being so into the idea of his cum on my bedsheets but not being willing to let him pound my ass even though we both want it? He must think I'm so difficult to get a handle on.
"Want the tissue too?" He shows the crumpled tissues to me in the palm of his hand.
"Y- yes." I take it and put it on my desk. I can't stop myself from taking a breath of it as I do.
Julia's opens the door of her apartment, a faint smile on her lips. This is the closest I've ever been to her in good lighting. She's wearing a black jumper with a big pumpkin on the front. Her eyes are browner this close and have noticeable baggage. If that doesn't change in a few days, I'll ask her if she's sleeping well.
"Take off your shoes," she says. I'm embarrassed to have forgotten to do this, but she is mostly talking to James who has strode almost all the way into her room. He takes his shoes off and places them next to mine. I wonder what they smell like.
"Sorry, my bad." He removes his shoes and checks if he left any dirt on the carpeted floor.
Julia's room is more spacious and better decorated than my own. On the double bed in the far corner is a body pillow of a somewhat demonic guy who I vaguely recognise. The bed sheets, carefully made, are printed with a massive winking cartoon cat face, as are the pillows. It's clear that we're not meant to go onto the bed, however, since set up in front of it are two daisy-patterned cushions.
I wait for James to take a seat before I do.
Julia takes out her phone and types something. "I sent you some links. We can play whatever you like. Do you want any snacks or water?"
We're both a bit thirsty. While Julia fills up some glasses from the bathroom tap, I inspect the links Julia sent us. Our options are Spill The Beans!, What Terrible Things Lurk in The Dark Night, and Roulette Extravaganza. They're all hosted on a website called PlayPlayPlay. Atop the page for each is an MS Paint style graphic.
When Julia returns with the water, she asks if we've decided yet.
I've not quite finished looking at the rules for each so I say, "They all look quite fun. Do you have a preference?"
"I don't really mind." She takes a seat on the edge of her bed. "I don't get a chance to play these usually."
We go on staring at them. I don't want to be responsible for picking a game end up hating. This is a delicate stage in our friendship.
"How about Spill The Beans!?" James suggests. "Looks like our room code is XJRN."
I join the room and look at my prompts. They're quite forward but that's the fun of these things, so I answer honestly and wait for the others to finish. James takes the longest and as soon as he hits send we're faced with the question:
Sort the answers according to each player! Top three kinks? Below is a list of nine options: Breeding, anal, giant insects, gangbangs, ovipositors, CNC, petplay, Oviposition, and feet.
"Oh my god," James says, moth agape at his phone. "You're both freaks."
I point at him. "So are you! Even if you have the tamest options."
He sticks his tongue out in response and goes about sorting the list.
One of us-the one who isn't into oviposition-already knows that the other two are into it.
I hope he doesn't have the tamest kinks ... there's a lot of stuff I want to try, and it would help if he had his own pervisions he'd like to indluge in. I'd like to win so I try to figure out what he's actually into. He's a bit like a hyperactive puppy so petplay makes sense. On the other hand, he's a scifi fan so giant insects isn't a bad guess. He's too nice for CNC. Gangbangs? I can't imagine Julia being into it although I can't imagine Julia being into any of this so that doesn't help much. Given James and Venus's friendship ... he may well have been in one with Venus and Mark.
I don't really want to think about to think about that so I don't.
My list reads:
Aster: Oviposition, feet, breeding.
Julia: CNC, petplay, gangbangs.
James: Anal, Giant insects, ovipositors.
James raises an eyebrow at me when I glance at him. "I think we have a lot to talk about."
A smile creeps onto my face. I tell him to shush anyway. I don't want Julia to feel like she's left out. Would she even have invited us out if she knew James and I are together? She makes no remark, just looks intently at her phone until she finally hits enter.
I get a score of 5/9. What? It doesn't say which I got right, though.
Hand to his mouth, James says "OH MY GOD. Aster, you're a perv." When I don't react, he gently puts his hand on my shoulder. "Sorry, was that too much? I'm just teasing. We don't kinkshame here."
I pat his hand, not sure what else to do. "It's not that I'm just-I thought I would have got more right. What did you get?"
"Seven." He looks to Julia. "What about you?"
She gives a sly smile and flicks a strand of her hair back. "Nine out of nine. You're both so easy to read."
"What? Lucky guesses for sure. Can I see what you put?"
Julia places her phone face-down on her lap. "Nope. You can figure it."
"Wait, James. Could you show me your phone?" Julia is right. Between us we can definitely figure it out. With only three players, we'll always be able to figure out what the third player put, provided two of us are willing to cooperate.
Without any hesitation, James hands his phone over. The screen is cracked but functional. Probably, like me, he's waiting for the price of phones to go down again. Ironic, given they never will if we get the end we're hoping for.
Aster: Oviposition, giant insects, feet.
Julia: CNC, Ovipositors, breeding.
James: Anal, petplay, gangbangs.
"I ... did not expect that." I look at first James then Julia. "From either of you. Um, nice taste, Julia? With the ovipositors, I mean."
She gives me a thumbs up and a smile. "You too. What kind do you like?"
I wish I could answer her question since she asked so earnestly. "I wasn't really sure there were types. What about you?" I'm pleased to see James glancing between us, fascinated by the convo.
"Lots. Wasp and hornets especially are really hot. Paralysing venom, yes please." She goes quiet again. "You're not very into that, are you?"
"Not really! It's cool that you are, I just prefer the idea of being ... laid in through a hole I already have. Sorry if this is TMI."
James pats me on my back. His bemused smile reassures me. "We passed that point a long time ago."
"There are still two more rounds," Julia says.
The next prompt appears.
Who did you dream of last and what did you do in the dream?
Fuck. My last dream was of Venus. Possibly he won't mind-after all one can't control their dreams usually. But I did enjoy it. But what if James thinks I have a thing for Venus? Sure, I find her attractive and get jealous when she kisses and/or sleeps with people but my thing for James is a lot more significant.
Once our answers are written down the list appears.
Who did you dream of: Venus, James, Mika.
What did you do: Kissed at an airport (not romantic); drank champagne by the seaside, they threw an annoying child in the ocean who drowned and we had to hide from the police; they hid my PSP and wouldn't tell me where it was until I bit them.
We pause.
"Interesting." Julia taps away at her phone. "Think I know already."
I also have an idea but it's odd. James probably didn't dream of himself which means Julia dreamt of him. My dream is also the only intimate one. Will they believe I'm not obsessed with sex and kissing just on my word against this evidence?
My answers:
Aster: Venus, Kiss at an airport (not romantic)
James: Mika, drank champagne by the seaside, they threw an annoying child in the ocean who drowned, and we had to hide from the police
Julia: James, they hid my PSP and wouldn't tell me where it was until I bit them.
I get 6/6 correct. The others do too.
"You dreamt about kissing Venus?" James asks. "Do you like her?" He doesn't sound accusatory.
"It's just a dream, I mean, I've been getting weird ones lately." I avoided answering his question, because I don't know if I do like her and if I do, it's only in an insignificant way. "I dreamt about the hotel trip before it happened."
"Oh?" James says. Either my attempt to change the subject worked or was so obvious and he plays along anyway. "What happened?"
I explain how I dreamt from Julia's perspective, even though I didn't know it at the time. To prove it I pull out my phone and show him and Julia the dated entry.
"That's super freaky," James says gleefully. "Maybe your airport dream is prophetic too."
"I don't want to kiss Venus," I tell him. A little more firmly than I expect to.
He raises his hands in apology. "Sorry." Turning his attention to Julia, he says, "Did you really bite me? How did I taste?"
"Like blood."
James grimaces. "Fair enough ... please don't bite me."
"As long as you don't take my stuff."
"I would never!" James puts his hand to his heart in a dramatic show. "Accusing me like this, what do you take me for?"
Julia crosses her arms. "Just know I've got my eyes on you."
Her tone isn't different to how it usually is so it doesn't seem like she's joking, but based on James's reactions he certainly thinks she is. And it seems he's right because they both start giggling a moment later and it's enough for me to join in.
The final round arrives.
Fuck, marry, kill the other players.
James leans over and whispers to me, "Ooh, can't wait to see what you put."
"Me too. Just know that-."
Julia raises her hand. "Shh, you can explain yourself after. That's part of the fun, isn't it? It says so in the fine print."
Indeed, it does say "You can explain yourself later! Just answer it," in a box of text at the bottom of the screen. Alas, it is the rules of the game so I put down my answers. One can only select one of the premade options from a dropdown list for each other player. Apparently, I'm the last to finish because the next screen comes up at once.
Please fill in the following sentences according to what you think the other players put.
Aster wants to ___ James, ___ Julia, ___ Aster.
James wants to ___ James, ___ Julia, ___ Aster.
Julia wants to ___ James, ___ Julia, ___ Aster.
The unsorted answers are:
fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
Julia bursts out with something between a scream and a laugh. She grips her bedsheets, falling backwards. "That's a glitch, oh my god, you shouldn't be able to do that but it's so funny I'm going to keep it." As she gets up straightens out the cat-faced bedsheets again, Julia keeps on giggling.
I'm a too shocked to laugh myself at first.
This is not an issue for James, however. He throws his head back and guffaws so loud my ear drums twitch. He grabs my arm to steady himself, and I get lost in the elated creases of his face until the smooth over.
I have to explain myself. "I ... uh just didn't want to kill or marry anyone. Please don't take it the wrong way."
"I mean, yeah, fair enough," James says. He takes a few deep breaths, stifling any remnant sparks of the amusement. "Of course, we both know you want to fuck me, Aster."
I push his shoulder and make an annoyed noise. "Hey! I mean ... yeah it's true but that doesn't mean you can just say it."
"Why not?" Julia asks. "Also, not to interrupt, but do you want any snacks?"
I would love some snacks and say as much. Julia gets a packet candy hearts from the drawers next to her beside cabinet. "You can either eat it in the bathroom over the sink or on the balcony," she says as she hands us each a packet.
I say I'm fine with either, James votes for the balcony. I'm glad at least one of us is decisive, and also glad for the view. The horizon's soft orange glow is brutually cut by the city's high-rise apartments, luminous luxury hotels, and new TV tower. So many rooms that might as well have been filled with straw before, but I can't bring myself to think of them that way any more. After all, I had thought the same of this very room, but found it was instead filled with friendship. Anything could live in those unenterable places, and anything probably does. Friendship, enemies, mad scientists, demon summoners, men made of mold, ghosts. Any of these would be equally as plausible as Jualia and here strange games. This beast of a city consists of us, yet I do not know - I cannot know - its nature when I have experienced only such a small fraction of it. What lurks in seemingly abandoned warehouses? What decisions are made in the tall buildings with titles? What kind of life do the people who live in the apartments situated above restaraunts live?
Denise would have loved how ridiculous this is and hated it too. I wonder what she's doing these days.
On the second Monday back there's a test for Commutative Algebra. I try dimly recall what was said in the lecture or conjure images of my notes. Yet it was a lifetime ago that I wrote them. A thousand things have happened since. How can they expect me to recall what the Zariski topology is when I'm hardly the same person as I was a week ago?
Still, some of the definitions can be excluded because they're inconsistent with other facts, and at least I get some of the sheet correct.
Outside the lecture theatre, people try to compare answers for me. I have a reputation for being mostly right and I'm usually eager to show off. This time, though, I say, "I didn't sleep very well. I wouldn't trust me on this one.". It's true. I've started waking up in the middle of the night, plagued by cold sweats.
I excuse myself and head straight back to my room and look at the online lecture notes on my laptop. What I dread is true and I have missed at least half of the points, especially the easiest ones. Fuck. It's okay to have an off day but this ... this is concerning.
How can I leave humanity behind as a failure? For the sake of my own pride, I need to leave knowing I can, if I want to, play by the human world's rules and win all its games: if I want to, I can get the highest grades, impress any CEO or professor or big boss, and earn enough money to wipe my ass with it. I need to know I have a choice at all, and that I am choosing the Blossom because it's superior.
I lean back against my chair and release the tension in my shoulders. This is all dramatics, a shock I wasn't prepared for. This little sting is just a reminder I need to get back on track. There is so much I can do and have to do before I go.
Eyes snapping open, I come forward again. I browse through the staff profiles again before finding someone who I'd like to do a project with. My usual strategy yields a surprising result this time: Dr. Strauss is a new member of staff working in the epidemiology department, and one of his projects is on forecasting the spread of the Blossom.
It's perfect.
I type up an email at once.
I stand up and answer the room.
"Hello," she says with a joyous lilt. "How are you?"
"Fine," I say. My back hurts from being hunched over for the past few hours. I pace back and forth.
"Is uni going well?"
"It's okay."
"Only okay?"
I hoped I said it quietly enough that she'd miss it, but she's got an ear for drama. I can't have her go on thinking that she has a knack or special insight into my mood, so tell her. "There was a difficult test today, but it's not worth too much."
"I hope you're keeping up your studies and not going out to party too much. You know, I follow that Denise on Instagram and she goes out to party basically every night. I can't imagine her grades are very good at all. It's a waste, don't you think, paying all this money and then slacking off? She dresses like an absolutely slut too; leaves nothing to the imagination, nothing."
Denise's name gives me pause. "I mean, she can do whatever she wants. How are you?"
It's an awkward topic switch but she expects that from me.
"Oh, I'm just fine thank you. Actually, I wanted to call was because we were planning a family holiday. Do you think you could take some time off from studying early June?"
"I'm trying to get a research placement over the summer. Not sure."
"That won't take the whole summer, though?"
No, it won't, but what makes you think I'd walk into another one of your traps again? "I'd rather just stay here and spend time with my friends."
"Which friends?"
Fuck. I've been careless. It's the exam getting into my head. "Course mates and James." I try to say his name quietly.
"James Hunt? I didn't know he want there. I thought you hated him because he stole that girl you like."
"I never said that."
"A mother knows." I imagine the smug grin on her face. I imagine cutting it off with a razor blade.
I end the call.
Should I send that? I have to study, but if I don't go, he'll just end up hanging with Julia alone. My hands tingle. She's asked him such good questions at the art gallery, and, even though I thought she was as awkward as me, they got on so well at his house. Even when she had a somewhat creepy dream about him, she made him smile about it. They've known each other long so of course he's more comfortable around her. What if he realises that he can get so much more from her than from me?
Maybe he already knows. He's only biding his time with me because he'd never had the chance to be with her before.
I message him.
His answer to that should tell me what I need to know. I stare at the screen. He starts typing, then stops.
A minute later there's a knock on my door.
"How did you get here so fast?" His smile is as cheery as ever.
He lets himself in. I become aware at once of how stuffy my room is and that I'm just in a tank top. And that I haven't changed the sheets since he came on them. I open a window then sit on top of the remnants (hopefully) before he notices.
"I was coming this way anyway, which is why I asked." He sits next to me on the bed. "Thought it'd be better to speak in person. Are you jealous?"
I don't look at him when I answer. "Yes. I know that our arrangement is new and stuff, but a temporary girlfriend is still a girlfriend. If you want to fuck other people ... well." I don't know how to end the sentence, so I don't.
"I'm not going to do anything with Julia," James says.
"Not going to? Not that you don't want to."
"I don't know how to answer that. She's attractive sure but it's not really something I have an interest in? I don't know. Does it matter?"
"I don't know." Is he saying he's open to the possibility of being interested in her? That that could happen and if it did happen, he'd change his mind?
We sit in silence until James leans against me so that our shoulders touch. I stiffen and he backs away. I want to lean on him to say it was actually fine but maybe he's put off me now. I don't want to spread my hearts confusion to his too.
"I guess it's fine," I say eventually. "It's not like I'm not attracted to other people too."
"Oh?" he asks. "Who? Venus?"
I nod. "Speaking of jealousy. When she ... you know. I was jealous." It's not quite the same feeling I have now, at the thought of James with Julia, but it's certainly a cousin of it.
"Jealous of ... who? There was a lot going on."
"Of Nikol and Mark and ... also her because you were about to join in."
An eruption of laughter. "Seriously? You thought I was going to join? Nooooo, I'm not involved in whatever Venus has going on with Mark and his band."
"His band?"
"Yeah? Mr. X and The Zeds. He plays at the student guild pretty often. I mean, you can ask Venus but she's got some kind of friends with benefits thing with all the other members. Nikol and Salamander."
I'm silent. She wasn't just sleeping with random guys?
"You okay, Aster?"
"Yeah ... just a bit perplexed. I have so many questions."
James leans back against the bedside wall and folds his hands over his front. "You're better off asking her. She's pretty open to talking about anything. But back to the topic at hand-like are you okay? I don't want things to be awkward. Should we talk about this jealousy stuff?"
"It's fine." I go lie next to him and use the change in position as an opportunity for let our arms touch again. He doesn't seem to mind. "I don't mind if you're attracted to people. Our agreement is temporary after all." As I say this, I recall my doubts about that. "But what if ... I did want to stay with you after all this?"
"What do you mean by that?" James takes a curl of my hair and wraps it gently around his finger. "I ... I like what we're doing right now. We just like each other and we act on those feelings."
What do I mean? We could make a life together with our new immortal bodies. We would dedicate our eternal existences to each other. Then I remember that there are more urgent matters. "Actually, can we talk about this another time? I really need to catch up on studying."
I pull out of my lean and he lets go of my hair. "Sure. When? Can I stop by this evening?"
"Maybe in a few days? I can't focus on this and everything at the same time."
"Oh, sure." He gets up off the bed. "Good luck with that."
I wait until my thoughts have settled before I go back to work.
This is it. This is the thing that will eradicate those stupid doubts about whether I'm really worthy of leaving humanity.
I've not been to a lecture in weeks, by the way. Why are you so focused on studying when you know it's all temporary?
It's a long walk up a lot of stairs before I arrive at office 304. I knock at the door and wait almost a minute before I hear some kind of Baltic accident tell me to come in. Entering, I find a sharp-faced man with thick glasses and even thick eyebrows is sitting at a large desk, shelves of heavy textbooks behind him.
"Hi, Dr. Strauss? I'm Aster."
His face pulls into a smile as he extends a hand. We shake. "Nice to meet you. Take a seat and let's chat?"
I sit down and take a sip of the mocha I bought on the way over-usually I don't drink coffee, but I had very little sleep the night before and I need to be on top form for this meeting which is essentially an interview.
"So, what's your background like?" he asks, folding his hands over themselves on the desk.
"Mostly what was covered in the intro to math bio module. A bit of epidemiology, some simple genetic circuits, and a few population dynamics models. Oh, and I'm doing a statistical genetics module this term." I take a sip of my mocha.
"Do you know any programming languages?"
His eyes seem very large behind his frames, so I look at the plants on his windowsill when I answer. "We did stochastic simulations in Jupyter for one project. We had to predict the spread of swine flu."
"That's great. Do you know what this project will involve?"
Fortunately, I had read about it before I left. I dare to look at him again. "You want to create a transmission model based on reported incident rates to determine the rate of spread of the Blossom and which towns should take the greatest precautions."
Strauss gives a bemused smile. "That's what the funders think." He picks up a tablet from the corner of his desk. As he flicks through it, he continues, "What I really want is to understand the basic mechanism of the disease. No-one knows, at the most basic level, what that is. If you speak to a virologist, they'll tell you it's viral. If you speak to a microbiologist, they'll say it's bacterial or fungal. Some people say it's something entirely new."
"Most people I spoke to don't want to talk about it at all."
This gets a dimunitive chuckle from Strauss. "You're not wrong." He puts his tablet in front of me and plays a video; it's a timelapse of a dead rat in a glass cage, its limbs detached next to it. The timer in the corner speeds up through the hours. A faint movement appears at the stubs of the rat's arms-something white is leaking out, followed by root-like structures tasting the air. Eventually one of them finds a limb and slowly pulls it back towards the mass. I'm not sure when it happens, but the rat starts to breathe again. Then its eyes shoot open, twitching this way and that. It remains remarkably calm until its limbs reattach and then it scurries towards the wall of the cage.
The doctor smiles. "This is an experiment conducted by my colleague in South Africa. I see you're fascinated."
"Yeah, I am." I blink. It's illegal to possess the Blossom, to say nothing of doing experiments with it. "How did your colleague get this?" When Strauss doesn't say anything, I realise what he means by showing me this. "Oh, I see. I think."
"You think?" He furrows his brows.
I don't like how he's testing me but if I understand correctly, I see why he has to. "You're using this project as a way to not draw suspicion. You can claim any correspondence about the Blossom is about this approved of project when you're really trying something else."
"Yes, exactly. Very good." He smirks. "Do you still want to help?"
"Absolutely. But why? It's not like you can publish anything."
A flash of annoyance on Strauss's face, followed by compensatory smile. "You are young, so let me tell you now before you get the wrong idea: not everything is about publications. Too many people believe that, and it blinds them to the truth. The Blossom is the greatest biological mystery of the modern age and we'd be spitting on our role as academics not to do our best to understand it. But that makes me wonder, why is it that you want to understand it?"
It was a question I was expecting but not in this context. If I give the tame answer that I prepared, not a lie but a dilution of the truth, he'll see right through me. I'll lose my chance. I tell him the truth that feels appropriate: "I also thought this would be a good chance to excuse any research I do into the Blossom. I want to understand how it makes people immortal."
He extends his hand again. "Welcome to Project Bloom, Aster."
Still, I keep at it. If I'm worthy of leaving humanity, this should be nothing for me, and I'm determined to make it so. I diligently excise my weakness from my body by looking up each new word I find (mRNA, protists, plasmids), a nd carefully placing it in its proper context among the others in my mental schema.
I end up going down a rabbit hole of the clinical literature. Admittedly there is not very much: two declassified government reports, one dubious first hand account of an infected individual, and various papers making inferences based of these. All speculation pared away, there are two things that are clear: NILS is highly contagious, and nigh impossible to eradicate except by repeated incineration.
Two hours later, I have a mess of a word document and my head is spinning too much to continue.
Fortunate timing since I remember I need to meet Venus soon. I grab my jacket and head out.
By instinct I give a timid wave. He nods and goes back to his convo.
Julia gives a limp wave back.
I figure it's too weird to sit far away from James, so I take the seat next to her, facing Venus and Mark.
Venus is slumped on the table, Mark's hand rubbing their back, and they rise, slowly, only once I've taken a seat next to them. There are hints of of eye baggage beneath inky trails of mascara from their red eyes.
"Sorry about this," Venus says to us all. "Did you all hear the news?"
James folds his arms. "About the bombing?"
"What?" I ask.
"Some American Lieutenant slipped up and strongly suggested there are plans to nuke or napalm or god-knows-what it all." Venus sharply sucks air through her teeth. "The Johannesburg situation isn't going away. If they're discussing it now, then they must have been thinking about it for longer. Sure, the Secretary of Defence and President issued apologies and they denied the existence of any such extreme plan. But they never said they would never do it. It's going to come to that, I know it. They're going to obliterate humanity's most splendid gift because they don't understand it. Ungrateful. They're ungrateful, and if they want to throw away life so badly, they can, but they shouldn't involve the rest of us." Venus retreats behind their hands again.
"That's ... awful." I'm not sure what else to say. I almost can't believe it. I wouldn't at all if it weren't for the way Venus was on the edge of weeping in front of me.
Mark and Venus whisper something between themselves until he looks up. "So, yeah, The Living Petals are accelerating their plan, and we are too. Venus and Mark are going tomorrow, and the rest of us will hopefully be going within the next week or two."
"Two weeks? But ... term isn't even over yet, and I've got a research placement during the summer." How can I leave like this, tail between my legs?
James and Julia look at me.
Venus lets out a congested laugh and speaks into her hands. "Really? Why does that matter? Aster, this is it. This is our one chance at becoming something more. Our chance to live as Gods and transform the Earth to Paradise. Who gives a fuck about a research placement?"
"I ... I'm sorry." I tense up. She's right, of course, but somehow, I still can't convince myself that I'll actually be going in two weeks. "What if it all goes wrong? We have nothing to fall back on?"
"Isn't it worth it? Isn't the smallest chance at an eternity of freedom worth it?"
James pats her shoulder. "It is."
Mark smiles at me and places his other hand over mine. "I get that it's scary. But we've got each other, right?"
Before I respond, Julia speaks up. "But Aster has a point. We can accelerate the plan, but there's a chance we'll waste our effort. Maybe we need to take things slow, come up with a better plan in light of this new risk."
I want to smile at her unexpected defence but the gravity of the situation holds it down. Instead, I add, "There has to be other sources of the Blossom. Like in government labs."
"We thought about this." Mark withdraws his hand. "There probably is. No way any military would give up on exploiting this stuff, right? But there's next to no way any of us will get access to a lab like that. The best we could hope for us that they fuck up and release it but who knows if we'll even live long enough to see that happen."
We go on debating this for a little while, but the energy fizzles out since throughout Venus just sits perfectly still, face on the table. Eventually James says, "This isn't the time. We can decide later."
Mark agrees. "Yeah, I don't want the last time we hang out to be us fighting over this. Actually, my hand is playing a final show tonight at the student union. I really want you all to be there. You down?"
How could I say no?
"Why?" I ask, shifting on the cushion she laid out for me. It doesn't even concern her.
"Because you two were getting on really well. You seemed so happy. He's definitely leaving in a week. Are you sure you want him to go with this taste in his mouth?" She is sitting with her arms crossed.
I shake my head. "No, of course not, but we already talked about it."
"That's not what he said. He said you refused to."
I'm caught on how he's discussed this with her. If they're going to just gossip about me then why am I even here? I should just leave. Yet ... what right do I have to mad? I do understand how he might have seen what I said as a refusal to discussion, and if he did think of it that way, I also understand why he would want to vent to Julia. I remind myself that I'm the new element and I don't have any right to dictate how he acts to his other friends.
"I just ... want to focus on other things right now. He knows how I feel."
Julia stares at me for a few moments until I look away. "He absolutely doesn't. He says you're mad at him about something, but he won't tell me what and says he isn't even sure himself."
At least he didn't tell her that I was jealous of him and Julia. Whether he did that to protect my secrets or because it would be too awkward, I don't know. "Why do you want to get involved, though?"
"I already said."
"You didn't. You just wait that we were getting on well, but why does that matter to you?"
She pauses for a moment and takes a seat on the edge of her bed. "Fair point. I know this must seem intrusive, but I just ... you looked so nervous the first few times I met you, but after you and James really started getting along you started relaxing. It made me happy to see that. Now, it's uncomfortable for me to see you two so awkward around each other."
When I do respond, all I can manage is an, "I ... sure, I guess? It's still weird for me."
She starts and stops a few times, eventually saying, "You drew a Blossom-sona I found really cute."
"What?" is all I can say.
"You know ... back when people were really into drawing Blossom-sonas. I looked you up after you joined the Seeds, found your old blog, and recongised your Blossom-sona. I remember you posting on FearChan, and I remember hoping you got to be happy because you reminded me of myself and I wanted to know it was possible for someone like me to be happy."
She goes quite and I'm not sure how to respond either, so we just stare past each others shoulders for a while. "That's ... very nice of you. It's good to know there was someone on my side."
She nods. "I am on your side. That's why I don't want you to mess things up with James."
"I think I get it, and I'm grateful. But I still don't know what you want me to do. Also, can I use your bathroom before we continue?"
Julia says sure and I head off to the adjacent bathroom, closing and locking the door. I take a seat on the pristine toilet and pee carefully against the bowl, so it doesn't make a sound. As I process what she said, my eyes glance around the room until they fixate on contents her bathtub next to me. I'm so surprised by what I see that my stream halts.
There are at least ten dildos soaking in the bathtub, most of them non-human looking, and several are thicker than my wrist. I look away at once, my cheeks flushing red. A terrible curiosity implores me to look again, catalogue their size, shape, and species, but I very much doubt Julia intended for me to see this, so I avert my gaze. I force the rest of my piss out, wash my hands, then splash cold water on my face until the redness goes away.
When I step out, Julia is just as red as I was. I consider telling her she has good taste but worry it might come across creepy, so I just laugh. To my relief, she laughs with me.
"Hi!" Venus says, giving Julia a big hug. She's a little drunk but she seems happy. I make my way over and give a little greeting.
She hugs me too, and I can't help feeling a little lightheaded at this. "Really glad you made it." Her glittery make-up catches the edge of the purple stage lights. It's like her tears from early have crystalised into something shiny and optimistic.
"Thanks for coming," Mark says with a little wave. "Hope you enjoy the music." He then gets called away by Mohawk Guy to fix an issue with the amp.
Nikol comes over and sits at the edge of the stage. He smiles at us, and I nod a greeting back. Then Venus asks him how his exam went, and we listen in for a second before Julia asks if I want to get a drink. We both head to the bar at the back of the room.
The venue fills out, at least somewhat, in the next couple of minutes. James arrives and before I can stop myself, I catch his eye, and wave at him. But my hand falters when I remember how things were left. Julia is still smiling at him, though and soon he's weaved his way through the crowd to stand next to us.
"Hey," he says.
"Hi."
He stands next to Julia and looks at the stage.
I do the same. It's safe place to rest my eyes. They're almost ready to start. Mr. X and The Zeds are a clusterfuck of colours and styles. Neon green of Mohawk Guy, fiddling with his bass guitar at the back. He wears a sleeveless jean jacket and has an impressive number of tattoos. Words, I think, but I can't make them out at this distance. Next to him, Nikol sparkles under the stage lights in a purple sequin jacket. Sitting ready behind the drum kit, he seems half asleep behind his sunglasses.
Finally, there's Mark, sauntering towards the stage in a pair ripped black jeans. He adjusts his bright red blazer and grins like he owns the little basement bar. Or rather like it's his home.
"How's everyone doing tonight? Happy?" He leans forward, eyes scanning through the crowd. He smiles when he looks over me.
A little cheer from a few people.
"Pissed?"
A few people in by the single table in the corner chant back, "Yeahhh". They sure sound pissed. Venus is one of them.
I steal a glance at James who is also amused. The way his smile fades in time with my own is too much for me. I look away. It's not my fault; I told him this didn't have to be an issue.
Julia, standing between us, audibly sighs.
"Yeah, I'm pissed. My close friend's mother died today. Her mind had been invaded by a force beyond our mortal understanding; it told her there was a poison that soothed the pain of living, and she sucked it deep into her lungs until their cells erupted in rebellion against her body. Fuck." The room goes quiet. "This song goes out to Charlotte Hughs. I miss your almond cookies."
Mark gestures for the stage lights to dim, reasserts his stance. He sings.
"Burdened by the weight of our burning blue world,"
A raw chord crunches out bleeding red rage. Mark's face hardens in anger, but it's not directed at the audience; rather it reflects us. The drums kick in my chest like a second heartbeat.
"We could scream, 'God in heaven save us',
"But angels love flames as much as demons do,
And I'm sick of choking on fumes."
It's hard to hold back from tapping my foot. I see Julia is nodding along too, eyes fixed on the stage, an approving expression on her face. Does James feel the same way? I don't see him. Rather than feeling relieved, I worry that the field of awkwardness I emit overwhelmed him-but a second later, he's right there, offering a cup of something to me. "It's peach Schnapps and lemonade. If you don't want it, I'll have it."
I take it and smile at him, despite myself. Unlike Julia or me, he doesn't resist it when the music tugs at the threads of his heart and soul. He bangs his head in time to the reckless rhythms, twists his body and cheers during the guitar solo. I love that he lets the atmosphere possess him so; that our little feud hasn't dampened his joy; that he smiles a welcome at me.
This time it doesn't fade. It lulls my own out from the dark recesses it retreated too.
I take his hand and he pull me closer, and we dance without a word. He doesn't stop staring at me and I become accustomed to it so easily again. I stare back at him, his messy eyebrows, the creases around his thin lips. I want to kiss him but that would be too much, wouldn't it? The compulsion is dammed by the words we have yet to say to each other.
Still, just dancing with him is good. It's so good.
As the beat slows in anticipation for the chorus, the guitars yielding to freshen the muddy cacophony, something strange happens: I glance back to Julia realising we've left her alone. Pity sprouts but is nipped in the bud when James offers his other hand to her. Relief replaces pity, then a jealous seed replaces relief, but this has no chance to grow since James plants a gentle kiss on my cheek.
Julia's eyes catch my own and then I'm in her head; she's happy James and I getting along again, to be dancing with us to Mark's words, with all her friends in one place. Are these not my feelings too, if I let them become mine? If James holds and dances with her, is he then dancing with part of me as well?
I hold onto that thought.
We make our way together towards the front of the stage where Venus is staring up at Mark with wide, adoring eyes. I guess she has her favourite even if she likes them all. She hardly notices we're with her. No matter, I also like seeing her smile again after how she looked earlier today. It's nice just to be dancing near her.
When James and Julia's eyes meet and linger, I instinctively hold back my reaction, fearing its pain; but it slips past my Schnapps soaked defences; instead of pain, it's the overflow of their longing. I'm sure they're both thinking, I am glad to be sharing this moment with you. Even when Julia's mouth opens and her cheeks blush, I only think, That's how I look when I want to kiss James. I know both the heat of his mouth, and the desparate desire of it.
I want her to feel it too. But how can I say that?
The final line of the song rings out. "I'd rather be fuel for my friends, than kindle for kings." James pulls Julia and I close into a tight hug as we cheer.
Salamander and James are discussing the movie we're going to watch later. "You haven't seen Land of the Dead? Oh, you'll love it. It's your favourite, right, Mark?"
"Well, it's a great movie, and there is one scene I really like, but it's not like my favourite movie ever." He rubs Venus's arm, who takes a deep breath and looks like she's about to fall asleep. "It's a bit goofy."
"It's not Romero's best work." Nikol looks out the window as he says this. "But it's a fun watch."
I haven't seen the movie either, despite my confessed love of zombie movies. I've at least seen Night of the Living Dead and I'm glad when conversation turns to that. Then Andy brings up Planet Terror as an example of a great horror movie and I'm like, "Getting transformed into a zombie and free bottom surgery? What's not to like?" This gets a laugh out of everyone in the car, even Mohawk Guy (Salamander), and Julia and James who I only now realise have been chatting between themselves for the past while.
When taxi stops outside a terraced house on the outskirts of the city proper, Mark pays the whole, not insignificant, fare. I ask him how much I owe him. He shakes his head and unlocks the door. "Don't worry about it."
I follow the others into the house and take of my shoes. I amble awkwardly between everyone, not quite sure who I should be with. James and Julia are still exchanging amusment between themselves, while Mark and Venus hurry up the stairs to shower together. The other band members are talking about a new album I've never heard of, and they're discussion of techniques is beyond me. If I tried to join, I'd only bring down the conversation to my level.
Instead, I sit on the opposite end of a couch to James and Julia. They're holding hands. I try not to look too often. I focus on the house. Do Venus and Mark live here by themselves? I was expecting a converted flat, not a full house for just the two of them. I suppose if they combined their student loans, or had savings, they could afford it. Buy even then, why pay so much? Neither strikes me as very wealthy but I don't know their circumstances.
"You okay, Aster?" James asks.
His voice startles me, and he laughs a bit. "Yeah, I'm fine." I'm fine in the sense there's nothing immediately wrong, that I'm still going to have a nice evening watching a horror movie with my friends.
Of course, I know he's asking if I'm okay emotionally, if things are troubling me. I appreciate that but I don't have the words to tell him I want to hold his hand, or to cuddle up to him like Venus cuddled up to Mark in the car. He's still my boyfriend, isn't he? We never broke up. He was dancing with me earlier. Surely, it's okay if I just go lean against him? But it doesn't feel right and I'm not sure I could hold it together if he pushed me off or said no.
He goes back to chatting to Julia. "After I transform, I'm going to make the wildest art you've ever seen. I've already got so many ideas. I know they'll just fall away as my new perspective inspires me, but I can't help it."
"Won't you miss things about this life? I don't know what things will be like exactly, but they'll be difficult. The world will hate you and do its best to get rid of you."
I hear footsteps. Venus and Mark must be done showering.
"The world is doing that anyway, it's just better at hiding it."
They go quiet. He's leaving soon. I feel is impending absence like the tip of a knife. I wish it was him and I having this conversation instead, but ... am I even capable of doing that right now? I couldn't even have a proper conversation about his study habits and what I thought about them. He shouldn't have to hold back on getting to speak about these things just because things are weird between us right now. Even if it does hurt.
I see Mark wipe his face too. He gets it.
James is also transfixed on the movie, unlike sleepy Julia holding onto his arm, blinking her eyes wide in a fitful effort to stay awake. When the credits roll, he touches her head softly to rouse her.
I can't help but think: did he do this with Cindy when they watched movies? Would he have held me and played with my hair if we watched a movie together before things got weird? I wish we had tried. I wish I made more of the time when I felt like he was all mine.
When he stands up, I look back to the screen and read the rolling credits. My peripheral sight is still fixed on the two of them and it makes me feel like a creep, but I just want to know. I want to know if they touch each other more, if they share a longing look, if they sneak a kiss. Would they do that? They surely can't because James and I are still together, and we'd not discussed if that would be okay. Yet he also said he was not attracted to Julia but that's changed too.
I go to ask Mark and Venus if I can get some water from the kitchen, but he and Salamander have their arms wrapped around a subtly giggling Venus, while Nikol leans over the back of the couch to play with their hair. Are they always the centre of the attention among the band members, or is it because they are leaving tomorrow? I blush hard and just head into the kitchen. I doubt anyone would mind if I helped myself to the water; it doesn't seem like Venus and Mark are struggling for money anyway. Again, I wonder how they hell do they afford this place?
As I sip, my eye wonders over the fridge: there are a few photos of Mark and Venus on amusement park rides, and one of them by the Eiffel tower. It takes me a second to recognise Venus since they has longer, brown hair and Mark has a softer face. They must have known each other for a long time. There is a much more recent photo of Mark, Salamander, and Nikol in someone's living room. The flash casts awkward shadows on their cheerful faces.
My heart reflexively aches, and I think, Why don't I get to do these things too? When I recall the trip to London, seeing the art with James, and helping Julia down the tree it subsides. I do get to do these things now.
When I turn around, I see James and Julia standing by the door frame, hand in hand.
"Hey," James says, stepping towards me, hand reaching out to touch my arm. "You alright?"
I stay still and let his fingers brush over it. Is it pathetic that I want him to touch me when I don't even know how I feel about him? That I'm that desperate? "I'm okay," I say, unconvincingly. He and Julia are still holding hands and I can't help but look.
He notices. "Aster, are you uncomfortable with this? I know you don't really want to talk about it, but I don't want to leave things this way." How does he see my feelings? I want to crush them up and hide them in a locked box. He lets go of Julia's hand and she looks away to the side.
Again, it happens: the absence of his hand is like having a warm blanket pulled away on a cold night. A hint of betrayal that she's trying to push aside because she believes it's not appropriate, because she knows that he's doing this out of kindness to me. Yet still, he's told her that her feelings matter less than mine.
But that could never be James's intentions; he is too kind to do that. He just simply does not know what to do in this situation.
This situation that I have placed him in.
I take his hand and Julia's and I put them together again. "It's okay. Things are awkward right now between us, but ... things aren't awkward between you and Julia. It's kind of weird but I feel like ... I feel like I don't want to hold you back just because of me. It would make me happy if you got to be happy."
Julia looks surprised but then smiles.
"I wasn't like trying to make this happen," James says. He looks at Julia and entwines his hand. "I didn't even know I was attracted to you before tonight, Jules."
"Me neither," she admits.
I wonder if he'd ever have known if I hadn't brought the idea up.
James takes my hand too and pulls me closer. "We were going to go back to my place; I don't think there's enough beds here and it'll be a bit quieter. Do you want to come?"
I nod.
We go into the lounge to say goodbye to the others. Venus parts lips with Salamander, who is now shirtless, and comes up to hug each of us and kiss our cheeks goodnight. They're followed by Mark who gives an even tighter hug. "Thanks for coming over, and coming to the show, and just being part of this. I hope you and Julia stick with us, but even if you don't, it's been nice knowing you."
He books us a cab and we wave goodbye as we crawl into the back seat.
"Are you sure you want to go?"
"Yeah. Are you sure you don't?"
"I don't know."
"We could make something of ourselves here. I thought life was so awful before, that I had no place in it. But it's been good lately. I've never had so much fun before."
"Maybe you could. You're so smart, you're going to get great grades, and a well-paying job that you enjoy. And everyone will love you for it; you'll be a productive member of society. But I don't really have that opportunity. I can't cope with that sort of life, and I can't pretend I could anymore."
I want to say, you could figure it out. But I stop myself. He can't and I know he can't because I can't either; it hurts to go against your nature, no matter how sensible it may seem from the outside.
"Okay. So, the Blossom is the safer bet?"
"Honestly, no. It's way riskier. But I just want to walk away from it all and this is a better option than ending up hopeless, homeless, or offing myself."
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah. I just don't like it here. I can't stomach the thought of sitting in an office designing less-than-useless products for less-than-ethical companies. I genuinely was going to leave humanity one way or another, and then I met Venus and showed me there was another way."
"I'll miss you. You put me at ease."
"I'll also miss you."
"Me too."
"I thought that when we started this it would all be fun. I didn't expect it to hurt."
"It's okay if this part of our journey ends painfully. If all goes well, we'll meet again, and there will always be space in my heart for you both."
"Oh, that." She laughs. "Let's just say our credit history is absolutely fucked." They adjust their carry-on backpack. "Reminds me, you're all welcome around our place any time. The rent has been paid until the end of the year." She then goes over to the WHSmith to look at books.
While we wait around for them, I glance at Charlie. He's grown a full beard, and the edges of his eyes are violently red and puffy. I can't sympathise with being sad about my mother dying. Yet, I do admire the fact he's managed to make it here today, to move across the world for a cause that no longer benefits him.
Mark puts his hand on Charlie's shoulder. "Thanks for still going through with this. You're too good, man."
Charlie sighs. "It's the least I can do." He offers a weak smile to Mark. "When you first told me there was a way to save her, I resented you for lying. But you weren't. I'd accepted her death as inevitable, that it was normal, and I hate myself for that. For giving up, even if it seemed impossible."
Salamander notices the time and goes to collect Venus. At the sky-tram Venus says her goodbyes to us one by one: they tell Julia they'll miss working on projects together. They say they wish they had more time to know me better but love what they've gotten to know so far. "I hope both you change your minds." They must have known that this would only be met with awkward smiles and silence, yet had reason enough to say it anyway.
To James she says she'll miss going on nights out with him.
"We'll get to do it more soon," he says. "Or whatever the plant-zombie equivalent is."
They laugh and hug him.
Then we back away so they can say goodbye properly to their partners. It goes the way it did in my dream. When it comes to Mark, he holds Venus close, kisses them, and then tells them words that can't hear but I'm certain are exactly the lines from my dream.
We wave Charlie and Venus off, and I wonder if I'll ever forget their faces.
"We've never been apart even this long in years." He swallows down his sadness. "I know I'll be closer in a week, but ... so much could go wrong. I wish I could protect them."
James offers a sympathetic look. "They've got Charlie. He'll do what he can."
Mark nods. "He will."
Nikol touches his arm softly, the way he did to Venus the night before. "Venus is dependable too. I'm worried too. You still won't tell me why exactly she left or why you're going but clearly, it's important and she wouldn't do this if she thought it was likely to go wrong."
"Yeah." He looks up and wipes some mucus from his nose. He forces a smile, but the will to force it comes from somewhere true. I don't know why I believe this. "I'm going to go lie down. Come with me?" He looks to his band members who smile and take him to the bedroom.
James, Julia, and I finish of the stew in relative silence for a while. I finish first and take my plate away to the kitchen. When I get back, I see Julia is holding hands with James, so I sit on his other side and hold his arm.
After finishing the last of his bowl, he asks, "Do you want to go back to my place? I want to spend as much time as we can together while we can."
Julia smiles. "I'd like that very much."
"I want to go too, but I have a meeting with my supervisor soon." James's sadness bleeds into me through his expression. "But I want to hang out with both of you soon too. I'll come over as soon as I'm done."
"How is the placement going?" he asks me as we wash the dishes together.
"It's fun. My supervisor seems like a really cool guy." I realise I never told James about the video Nick showed me or the fact he's involved so closely with the Blossom. It feels like a strange time to bring it up; what could he do about it anyway?
We take the bus back to campus. I'm distracted so I let Julia sit next to James. At least I get to be behind him. Is this how it's going to be from now on? Will I miss out on intimacy because of bad timing? Will she always get it instead of me? I don't really mind the thought of them kissing, particularly when I'm 'in Julia's head' so-to-speak but there are too many other things floating around in my brain right now that obscure that signal. I don't know how to activate that connection again.
The door to the cluttered office opens, and my supervisor, looking confused for a moment, lets me in. "Excuse the mess," he tells me as he removes a laptop from the seat in front of the desk. "It's been somewhat overwhelming today. I'm organising a workshop for Thursday and a few of the applicants are having visa issues, my collaborator has gone silent, and the supercomputer is down."
"Sorry to hear that," I say
He finally sits down, rubs circles on his temples, then looks up at me. "How was the reading?"
"It's interesting," I say. "I'm not used to it. I keep having to look up a lot of the bio terms, and I'm not sure how to turn any of this into maths yes."
He waves his hand. "It's normal to be a bit overwhelmed by the biology at first. Just take your time with it. Try to understand thoroughly the bits that are most relevant to you and don't worry about making models just yet. I think I can tell you about one of the experiments I'd like to investigate, however." Strauss goes to wipe down the whiteboard at the opposite end of the room.
He draws a diagram of a maze, with a blog in the middle labelled "CORE" and indicates at some of the exits "NUTRIENT". "This is the set up. We place Blossom-infected biomass at the centre here, and take measurements of which route it takes. We'd like to understand how it does this but so far there's little progress. It isn't chemical gradients; we kept the nutrient completely isolated until it reached the exit in one case. Even then, it still finds the optimal path. Any ideas?
I look at it for a moment. There are other forms of cellular movement than chemotaxis: haptotaxis, mechanotaxis, durotaxis but none of these seem applicable here. At least, I don't know if they are. "How was the experiment set up exactly? Maybe some of the nutrient could have spilled? Or it detects the vibration when its placed at the exit?"
Strauss gives an approving nod. "Good. We thought of that too. We tried placing the nutrient first and the putting the maze down afterwards. We tried tapping at each of the exits in turn. Still, it finds the nutrient without issue."
"Is there a limit to how far it can sense the nutrient?"
"We did another experiment for that. I'll give you the file later. But yes, there seems to be. That doesn't seem to help us understand this issue, though."
We both think quietly for a while. I list more possible confounding factors (the nutrient casts a shadow, the container for the nutrient can be sensed, the airflow is altered at the sites where the nutrient is placed) and each is shot down: they tried it in a completely dark room, similar containers at all sites, some with nutrient, some without, which were only opened when the NILS infected tissue reached the end.
Frustrated, I suggest jokingly, "Maybe it can sense the gravity of it."
Strauss doesn't laugh or even smile. "Gravity is far too weak. But maybe this isn't a bad line of enquiry. It does seem to sense the organic matter per se, rather than any secondary effect. How could it do that?"
"So you're saying it's like gravity, but instead of mass, it's biology?"
"I'm glad you said that rather than me. We have looked into that and it's the only thing that makes sense to us. Please don't share this idea with anyone." Strauss takes a deep breath. "This is our key result."
I blink. It seems so unreasonable yet ... our discussion leaves very little other possibilities. I ask how what else they've done to test this. He details experiments to obtain the strength and decay of the biological field. The results are consistent. "Maybe ... maybe there's another answer?"
He shrugs and smiles at me. "Maybe. I don't mean to test you with all this. Well, I do a little since this is very important work and I'd like to make sure you're competent. But I also wanted a different perspective because I'm afraid of going insane."
I don't answer for a bit since I'm still thinking.
"I'll send you the paper preprint when it's ready, but there's still much more work to do. Is there anything else?"
"Actually, yes." I hestitate before continuing. "I don't want to seem ungrateful but something has been bothering me. Why are you involving me with this research that's so important? I thought, as an undergraduate, I'd be given something less significant."
He takes a deep sigh, then speaks softly. "Well, you're right. I would actually prefer if I could get a postdoc on this. However, you need to understand this is a delicate matter. Postdocs aren't willing to risk their careers. It's much easier for you because we can always spin it like you didn't know what was going on. Besides, I am lucky to have an enthusiastic and talented researcher like you, despite your lack of experience."
I nod, still not certain, but can't help but smile at being called a talented researcher. I excuse myself, confirming which books to focus on. Strauss is a deeply weird man but I'm smiling by the end and look forward working with him.
"We played some more games and watched some episodes of Gurran Laggan," James says. "Want to join? Or we could watch something else."
My chair is just a bit further from his than Julia's is. I want to bring it closer, but what if that seems far too desperate? "Did you ... like kiss or anything?" I ask. "The sheets." It's not as eloquent as I'd like but given the tightness in my chest I'm glad I got at least that much out.
"Yes"," Julia says. "We played around a bit on the bed, and we wanted to go further, but ... we knew it might be a bit much for you." She offers a smile.
The tightness in my chest comes undone like a ribbon and I let in a breath of incense scented air. Yet still, this is not the outcome I want either. I've stopped them from sharing a moment together without even being here. "I think it's fine."
"You seem sad," Julia says.
"I don't want you to hold back, especially since James is going away soon." I look up at them. "I just don't want you to forget me."
James leaves his seat with such urgency that knocks his hip against the table. He doesn't seem to mind; he is so determined to wrap his arms around me. "I won't forget about you, Aster. You're so important to me." He touches my face, makes me look him in the eyes, and tells me again.
I stare ahead at him, not sure what to say. I wish I could thank him for the grace. He has always given me grace, even when I thought I was that wretched little Adam who knew not what friendship was. Maybe that is it; maybe he has always cared for me, and I have always been ungrateful. Do I deserve to bask in his light if I have been blind to it until now? Another important question: how could we ever be equal like he is with Julia? I don't want to resent her, I really don't, she's also been nothing but kind to me. I owe her for saving my relationship with James. Then again, that's exactly why she worries me: I couldn't have had him without her intervention, and doesn't that just solidify her place as his equal and me as the unnecessary part?
"It is a bit much for me," I tell him. "Please do as you please, but I need to go."
"We can talk about it." Julia smiles at me. I notice the first time that her hair is a bit disarrayed.
Did James put his hand through it? It must have felt nice. I try to tell myself that because it's true and it's the sort of thing I'd feel if I was in her head. But I'm not in her head and it doesn't help. All I can think is that: it should have been mine, that I've lost out on a chance to be touched by James because I have this placement. And how is that fair? That I missed out just because I care about my education, because I need to prove that I am worthy of becoming something beyond humanity, while he and Julia simply take it for granted that they are.
Yet they are, I can see it in their kindness, their sympathetic looks, their continual efforts to include and comfort me. They way James continues to hold me, the way he asks if I'm okay, if there's anything he can do, the way Julia says we can take things slow, and James agrees despite the fact he's leaving so very soon and if they take things slow they may miss out forever on something beautiful. They're sacrificing that for my comfort which is more than I deserve.
I get up and leave.
A ring jolts me. My mother is calling. Maybe it's because of Charlie's situation that I feel a bit sympathetic, or because of that fucking weird dream, or because I literally have no-one else to talk to right now, but I accept the call.
She exudes her usual faux cheeriness. "Hello there. How are things going?"
"... fine. How about you?"
"Is uni going well?"
"Yeah. Mostly, it's fine." I don't want to tell her about anything that I'm going through.
"Mostly? Are you feeling stressed? You're always so busy, you never have any time for your dear mother anymore. But it's okay, I know you're working hard and I'm really proud of you."
I wish I could believe her. That her words rang true and that she was a different person whose praise meant something to me. I know exactly what she's trying, and she knows I know; yet still we play our parts in the pointless pantomine
"Hello? Earth-to-Adam?"
"I don't make time for you because I don't like you."
This doesn't shock her. How could it? I haven't spoken to her in months. "What did you say?"
"I don't make time for you. I don't like you. I never have. You care about nothing except appearances and so you can't even see your soul rotting below the shiny coating you've dedicated your life to preserving. You've never treated me-"
"Shut up. I get that university may be stressful, but that doesn't mean you can say such hurtful things. You may be a hundred miles away but don't think I won't drive over there and-." She goes on and on but I don't listen. If she misses what I have to say, that's on her.
"Please don't interrupt me if you care at all what I have to say or about my feelings. You've never treated me as myself, you've always cared more for the glamour you cast than what hides beneath it. Even now, you can't handle speaking to the true me. You see the holes in the façade, leaking ichor, and think all you need to do is plaster over them to save your precious, perfect child. But the ichor is your child. Are you even capable of recognising the substance of a real person's soul?"
She's saying something about how I'm ungrateful, about how she's done so much for me, how she thinks I should take time off from uni and come back home. She hasn't heard a word I said, or they were so alien to her that she could not process them. I end the call and block her, then soak myself in the tub.
"Are you waiting for me to invite you to sit in your own room?" she asks.
"Kinda, yes." I take that as invitation enough and sit next to her. I'm not dating her so I don't hold her hand or anything, although the thought crosses my mind. I mean, I'd like to do that as a friend maybe. "So, how was it?"
She blushes harder and can't help but smile. "It was good. Mostly. I've never done anything like that with anyone before; James was so gentle even though I asked him to be a bit rougher with it. I mean, you know my kinks. But it was still really nice, and we spoke a lot afterwards."
When I say nothing, she says, "What are you feeling?"
"I don't know. I'm afraid to look at my feelings. I don't want to make you feel bad or taint your good time."
The bed sinks under our combined weight, pulling us together until our hips touch.
She sips her water. "I came here to talk to you about your feelings. I don't regret anything, and I won't, so how to you feel?"
I like that she's so direct. "Well, seeing you here, smiling like this ... it reminds me of myself. Obviously, I wish I had gotten to do something with him too but I'm ... in your head right now. Does that make sense? Like I can almost feel what you felt. If I focus on that, then it's okay." I lean back in the bed, thinking about the warmth at the boundary of our bodies. "But there's more to it. Like why did things end up this way? Why were you in bed with him and not me?"
Until I ask that final question, she nods along. She's surprised. "Because you felt uncomfortable and wanted to leave?"
"Yes, that's the proximal cause," I say, borrowing a phrase from Is Novel Idiopathic Leaking Syndrome Caused by an Entirely Unknown Pathogen. "But why am I the sort of person who feels that way? The sort of person who ends up on the seat behind James rather than next to him or can never find the opportunity to be intimate with him, and when I do get the chance, I throw it away." I place the pillow over my head and writhe. "Why can't I just talk about stuff? I'm fine now except for the fact that I'm mad at myself, that I keep messing up, that I don't know how to be intimate."
I feel Julia's hand over my own. "You told all that to me. You can tell it to him too."
"Maybe this time, but I might lose clarity again."
"We can help with that. I'll plan a date for the two of you."
"Seriously? Isn't that a lot of work?"
"It'd make you both happy, so it's worth it."
She seems serious so I agree. That's until I remember James is leaving soon. "There's not really much time ... and I don't want to take away from your time either."
Julia takes the pillow off my face. "James and I were discussing this. I want to go with him, and we both want you to go with us too."
I don't say no as quickly as I expect myself to. I don't say no at all. "Maybe."
"There's only five days until we go."
"I need to sort myself out. I'll try to do that, and I'll get back to you."
Julia accepts this. "I'll leave you to it, but we're here if you need us. Also, James said to give this to you." She leans down next to my face so close that I can feel her breath. She kisses my cheekbone.
"T- Thanks," is all I manage to say as she shows herself out.
I close the door and let my thoughts wash over me like the incoming tide. I can imagine Julia asking James to hurt her or be rougher and him being all excited but holding back because it's her first time and he doesn't want to go too far. That's just like him and I'm so glad he's like that because that care and consideration is the only reason he bothered with me in the first place. How could I have thrown away my chance to have that same treatment? He was so ready and willing. Would I feel better now if I had? I think I would. I think I'd be able to laugh with Julia about it, compare notes, tease James with her. Instead, I'm stuck wanting something that I cannot have, now, maybe ever. My mind it twisted into thorny knots, and it would hurt James to get him tangled in that. I doubt I'd be able to untangle it before he goes-but why are there even knots in the first place? It could all be so easy if only my feelings cooperated.
I've already packed my bags just in case I decide to go with them. It's been three days and I'm already getting used to being lonely. It's familiar and therefore comfortable. I've not had as much time as I wanted to turn everything over in my mind between uni work and research placement reading. I can't disappoint Strauss and let this opportunity slip through my fingers. That said, he hasn't replied to my latest email except to say he is still preoccupied with the workshop until the end of the day, but that I should come along.
I put on some respectable looking clothes, and head out to the seminar room in the maths building. I get lost until I notice the signs pointing me towards RaDiaM: Rare Diseases and Mathematics Workshop and I follow it to a moderately sized room bustling with mostly middle-aged men and a few graduate students. I find one of the unoccupied seats near the back and let my mind drift until everyone settles down for the introduction given by Strauss.
"Welcome to Radiam, so pleased you could all make it, both those from the biological and mathematical communities. I hope everyone enjoys the talks and ends the day feeling the glow of inspiration. Our first speaker today is Professor Timothy Diver. Timothy has had a very diverse and exciting career, and is currently a Simons Professor of Mathematics at MIT." Strauss lists Timothy's accomplishments and I imagine someone one day introducing me that way. I applaud as Prof Diver comes onto stage.
He mumbles when he speaks, and his slides look as a 12-year-old produced them under duress. But from what I can gather his research is interesting. He shows of techniques his group developed for dealing with sparse data and, more importantly, determining when data really is too sparse to say anything meaningful. I wish I could take notes.
Afterwards, I expect a flurry of questions but instead only one person, a graduate student two rows ahead of me, sticks her hand up. She asks if his group's methods apply for the sort of data she works with which is includes both the migration patterns of humans and the vectors infecting them. He says he sees no reason why not. There are no further questions until Strauss asks for clarification on something from a slide before.
After a few more talks go the same way I realise that Strauss's energy is something rare. By the time of the first coffee break I'm afflicted by the lethargy and consider leaving. But Strauss finds me and asks me how's it going.
"It's interesting," I say. Despite the tiredness, the contents of the talks give me much to think about. Even the talks unrelated to mathematics or NILS are interesting since I find myself trying to find ways to relate the info to those subjects I actually care about. "I really liked the first talk."
"Ah, yes. You should go around and chat to people. It will be good for you to make some connections." At that, someone requests his attention and he excuses himself. I consider joining a group of students including the one who asked a question in the first talk, but I turn around before I reach them and instead go the bathroom and look at my phone until it's time for the next talk.
"Hey, you went there and learnt some things. It wasn't a waste." He rubs my arm, and we go back to playing Dark Sector. We fight an invisible monster that's kinda hot when it is eventually visible. Julia agrees and she takes a turn playing while James encourages me to cuddle with him on the bed. "It's fine if you're awkward, I still want to cuddle you, unless you're seriously too uncomfortable." That I am not, so I give in. I lie on his chest in a way that still gives me a good view of the screen.
We take turns alternating between the game and cuddling and when I realise this is the pattern I forget about my awkwardness for a while. Eventually it gets dark, so we turn on the light and James turns off his PS3.
He stops at the edge of the bed. "Did you think about it some more, Aster?"
I nod. "Yeah, I did. There more I think the more I realise there's infinitely more things to figure out." I laugh at this; I'd come to believe I could think my way out of anything. The math degree isn't helping with that bias. "But I know that the human world is all wrong for me, and I was fooling myself to think I could ever be a part of it, even as a step towards something else. If it's not too much trouble, I want to go with you."
Julia squeezes me tight and James leaps onto the bed to do the same. I cannot move and I laugh because they are being silly; but James is so still and my shoulder feels warm beneath his face. "Why are you crying?"
"Because I didn't want to leave you," he says.
"I was going to miss you," Julia says. Her eyes are wet too.
They look at each other and smile for a second before holding me down against the bed again. Their weight feels appropriate, like a shield. I put my arms over their backs because I don't want them to be exposed either, not after all they've done and all they're doing for me.
James perks up after a while. "Actually, I wanted to show you this." He retrieves a canvas from beneath his bed and puts it up on the easel so I can see. It shows a young adult woman looking out a sunny window; she rests her head on her left hand and right arm over her knee. She is gripping her skirt nervously. She's beautiful, but how is she comfortable in that pose, with that posture? Her blue eye catch the light and hasa sleepy slant, her other eye is a resplendent Aster, welling with leaking fluid. The corners of her mouth lift in contented defiance. She wears her dark, baggy clothes awkwardly, but in a way that shows off her shoulders and collarbones. The trees outside are greener than I remember them being, and there's a heart traced into dust on the window that I never put there. I thought about doing it, in passing, but never told James.
Is this how he sees me? Maybe he does love me.